Today’s Peripheral Wisdom post shares the 3rd and final piece of Communication Hints – how to TALK SO PEOPLE WILL LISTEN.
We’ve discussed handling conflict in general (Click Here), and how to be a better Listener (Click Here), and now we are ready to SPEAK.
You’d think we’d be pros at speaking, because we’ve been doing it since we were about 12 months old. But throw in a little bit of conflict and some emotion and a bit of pressure – and our ability to speak productively flies out the window.
A person can use a whole bunch of words yet say basically nothing… Or they can communicate very well, not get what they want, and throw a tantrum, just like that toddler who’s just learned to speak.
Don’t be that person.
When you’re stressed, the best thing to do is keep it simple, and focus on a few basics.
Remember What You Learned in Kindergarten
Talking is a skill that can be learned. So is talking effectively and respectfully: Wait your turn, don’t yell, don’t use profanity, don’t call the other person names, look at them when they speak… This is stuff we learned in Kindergarten, but we still fall back into these (nonproductive) coping mechanisms when we get stressed.
Speaking so that others will listen involves paying attention to each of the following 5 ingredients
- Your GOAL
Do an attitude check right off the bat. What are you trying to accomplish here?
Is your goal to win the argument? Get your way (at the expense of the other person)? Prove to them how right you are? Show them how smart you are?
Or is your goal to communicate what you are thinking, feeling, and wanting so they’ll understand where you’re coming from and have a better chance at resolving this disagreement?
Remember that you can’t get to a mutually satisfying resolution until each person understands the other’s views.
If you are honest, you probably DO want to get your way.
Winning the argument and getting what you want aren’t in and of themselves bad things – we all would like things to go our way. But at this stage of the communication process, getting your way and/or proving you’re right can’t be your DRIVING goals.
Remember, your goal has to be being understood by the other person, and communicating clearly what you think, feel, and want.
The first order of business is not resolution, but UNDERSTANDING.
2. TIMING
The timing of communication, especially stressful communication, is so important.
The right thing at the wrong time will almost always end up being the WRONG thing.
If you (or the other person) are hungry, tired, upset, or if there is limited time for discussion – it’s probably not the right time to have an intense conversation.
Right before you go to bed, or first thing in the morning right before everyone heads out for the day – also not the right time. This is especially true if one of you is a morning person and the other is a night owl – you will feel at your best at a different time of day than the other person. Don’t assume your best time is also their best time.
Set a time that works for both people. Respect the other person’s needs here as well as your own.
Be sure not to just let the issue be swept under the rug, but at the same time, don’t force a discussion when it is not the right time.
It’s interesting how a person who tends to avoid conflict almost always ends up with a person who wants to discuss everything RIGHT NOW. This dichotomy is very frustrating for both people. Both people’s tendencies and needs have to be respected.
The one who wants to talk RIGHT NOW may need to let the other person think things through for a bit first. The right-now person will have to learn some patience. The danger is that an avoider may prefer to never bring the topic up again, and that’s not ok either.
The person who needs time to think and doesn’t want to discuss right away will need to work on their courage and willingness to have hard discussions.
Each person has something in their natural tendencies that needs honing as they learn to communicate effectively and resolve conflict. It is rarely (only because I don’t like to say “never”) only one person who needs to change.
The I-need-some-time person can honor the right-now person’s needs by letting them talk about the issue a little bit right now, and not shutting them down. The right-now person needs to accept the fact that the I-need-some-time person will not engage in discussion much right now, but will come back to it later (decided when “later” is!) after they’ve had time to get their thoughts together. Don’t let an avoider get away with never talking about any issues, but also don’t let a let’s-fix-this-right-now person bulldoze over the other person’s need to pause first.
Be respectful of each other’s tendencies/differences, and don’t make it seem like their tendency is a personality defect, while yours is the “right way”. Your way isn’t better; it’s just different than their way.
3. BODY LANGUAGE / Actions
If you think communication is all about words, think again.
You communicate about 55% of your message through your actions, which include your body language.
Facial expression: Pay attention to your facial expression! A person’s real feelings are often found in the face, especially the mouth and eyes. DON’T: roll your eyes, grimace, frown excessively, twist your mouth into a sarcastic smile, show disinterest by looking around; DO: smile sincerely, show interest through your expression.
Posture: DON’T: cross your arms, slump like you’re bored, sit stiffly, tower over the other person; DO: be relaxed and natural, lean slightly toward the other person, have “open” posture.
Eye Contact: DON’T: refuse to look at them, stare them down, glare as you look at them. Don’t look at your watch. Or your phone! DO: make eye contact without staring a hole through the other person, look away occasionally so that eye contact is not too intense;
Did I mention “don’t look at your phone”?
Don’t look at your phone.
Body Position: DON’T: Act like they have the plague or that you can’t stand to be too physically near them and sit too far away, be all up in their face by sitting too closely, tower over them; DO: Sit a comfortable, natural, respectful distance from the other person.
4. TONE
You probably heard as a child, and/or said as a parent, “Don’t use that tone with me, young man/lady!”
Almost 40% of our message is communicated through our tone of voice.
Consider how the meaning of the following statement changes, depending on which word is emphasized:
SO — that’s what you think!
So, THAT’S what you think!
So that’s what YOU think!
So, that’s what you “THINK”…
So that’s what you think?
Be sure that the words you are saying match the tone of voice you are using.
We’ve all heard (or said…) the following: “No, NOTHING IS WRONG!” when it is clear by our tone and body language and facial expression that something IS wrong. That’s not truthful or helpful…
5. WORDS
I’ve left WORDS as the final ingredient, because less than 10% of the message we communicate comes through the actual words we say.
“Do as I say, not as I do” – this really never works.
People will believe your actions much more than your words.
Don’t get me wrong – the words you use ARE important.
But timing, tone, and body language actually communicate much more loudly than those words. We’l remember someone’s attitude and how they made us feel long after we’ve forgotten what they actually said.
Words have incredible power. They can encourage, acknowledge, honor, express love. Or they can crush, discourage, disrespect, devalue.
It is important to choose our words wisely, and not let emotion dictate the words we speak to another person. Or ourselves, for that matter.
“I” statements
The best way to express your thoughts and feelings clearly reduce the chance that emotions will take over is to use one form or another of the “I statement”.
I Statements help you focus on communicating how you feel about the issue, while taking ownership for your feelings and your needs.
Remember: another person can’t make you feel anything.
Your feelings are ultimately under your own control, even though they may be influenced and triggered by others. If you’re angry, say “I’m angry because…”, not “You made me angry.” Then explain what you would like to see happen next, what you see as a resolution.
Here’s a common I-Statement format:
I FEEL _____________________________________
WHEN _____________________________________
BECAUSE ___________________________________
I NEED _____________________________________
- DON’T DO THIS: Example of Emotion-Driven Communication: .
“There you go, making another stupid decision on your own again! You make me so angry! You never even let me know before you decide on things like this, and it always ends up in a big mess. If you’d just let me tell you what to do, everything would work out fine. Geez… “
- TRY THIS INSTEAD: Example of I-Statement Driven Communication:
“I FEEL frustrated and angry WHEN you make decisions without talking things over with me first. When that happens I feel like my opinion isn’t important to you, and, unfortunately, my attitude becomes very uncooperative… I NEED for you to talk things over with me before you make a major decision. I will most likely say “go for it” – I just want to have my opinion as part of the mix...”
See how the “I statement” example communicates a lot more information, and is less harsh than the first example? The speaker is able to get their feelings, reasoning, and desires across to the other person in a way that has a much better chance of being understood and considered. The speaker took ownership of their own feelings and desires.
Communicating properly doesn’t guarantee that the other person will agree with you or that you’ll get what you need/want. You can’t control how the other person chooses to receive your message. But you can communicate in a way that increases the chances for a good outcome.
How do you learn to speak using “I statements”? Just like with any skill, you will have to practice!
When in the middle of a stressful conflict, we tend to fall back on old (bad…) habits. So try practicing with silly, non-threatening, non-conflict topics so you can become more comfortable with this format. Have some fun with it!
Here’s an example:
“I feel incredibly happy when we have ice cream on a hot day, because it’s refreshing and tasty and is a fun thing to do with you. I need (or “I’d like”) for us to make a habit of going on these dessert dates more often – maybe every week.”
If you practice, at best, you’ll learn how to communicate feelings and needs without pushing the other person further away through poor word choice and overwhelming emotions. And worst case? Worst case for this example, you’ll have ice cream more often! Win/win!
I’ll leave you today with a set of guidelines I share with my counseling clients when we are working towards a conflict resolution.
Peripheral Wisdom’s TOP 10 LIST for effective communication:
- Job #1 is to LISTEN to the other person and try to understand where they are coming from.
- Be respectful
- No name-calling, no swearing
- No yelling or shouting
- No interrupting
- Remove the blame from your comments
- Don’t criticize the other person’s personality
- Don’t insult, mock, or use sarcasm
- No silent treatment – please don’t withdraw or shut down
3. Stick to the topic at hand
4. Don’t use absolutes (always, never, etc.)
5. Don’t moralize your opinions (This means that we feel so strongly about our opinion on something that it no longer seems like an opinion to us – it feels like an absolute, and we expect others to view it the same way we do.)
6. Be honest without being cruel. Speak the truth in love.
7. Don’t expect others to read your mind – it’s your responsibility to express your thoughts
8. Take ownership of your thoughts and feelings (I statement)
9. Try not to take others’ thoughts and feelings personally – let them have their say, and realize that their viewpoint does not make your viewpoint any less important. I know this is not easy to do…
10. Realize that the other person(s) are just as stressed and feel just as strongly about this topic as you do. Your attitude will influence their attitude. Be gentle with each other. Remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
And a final word: Figure out what areas of communication cause you the most problem and frustration, then focus on improving those areas. Realize that neither you nor the other person will be perfect, so offer grace to both of you as you work towards better communication and more peaceful relationships.
Peripheral Wisdom 
Excellent points ! Timing of communication is so important.
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