Fear can paralyze you.
Coming home from the YMCA last evening, after a much needed workout, I heard something on the radio that really made me think. The station was running an advertisement for some seminar or speaking engagement or book signing or something, and the ad guy made a statement that kind of shocked me. He said,
“Fear is selfish. Fear is really all about focusing on yourself.”
That caught my attention. My first reaction was “that’s ridiculous!” I thought that this guy was just trying to find something else to make us feel guilty about – as if we didn’t have enough of that already.
But the thought intrigued me. I wanted to unpack that statement just a bit and see if he had a point.
IS fear really a selfish thing? How could it be? Fear is just a feeling, right?
I don’t think fear in and of itself is selfish. Fear is an emotion just like any other emotion – it is what it is. But what we do with that fear – THAT can certainly be selfish.
Bear with me while I flesh this out a bit more.
When something scares you, what is it, exactly, that you are afraid OF? Sure, you might be afraid of snakes or tornadoes or other things that could actually physically harm you. Or you might be afraid of a person who has been abusive to you, or of getting run over by a car if you jump out into the street with your eyes closed. Those types of fears don’t seem particularly “selfish” to me, other than in a way that keeps us away from dangerous situations.
I’m pretty sure that’s not the kind of fear the guy was talking about.
The kind of fear we deal with the most, on a day to day basis, is very different than the spider, snake, tornado, serial killer kind of fear. We are afraid of things like telling our friend that her behavior towards us isn’t ok, apologizing when we’ve hurt someone’s feelings, trying something we’ve never done before, talking to a new person at church, speaking in public – those kinds of things.
And those fears – or the lack of action that accompanies being afraid of those things – ARE selfish. The uncomfortable feelings that are attached to these types of fears lead us to avoid action that needs taking because we, selfishly, don’t want to feel the discomfort that goes along with taking action.
This radio ad guy’s comments really got me thinking.
Fear is paralyzing. It is one of Satan’s strongest tools to use to keep us stuck, keep us defeated, keep us from reaching our potential, keep us from repairing relationships. Fear is all about “what if”, even though the “what if” probably won’t happen, and even if it does, it (usually) won’t kill us.
Fear keeps us stuck, and prevents us from doing things like:
- Asking for that raise that we actually really deserve – because we’re afraid the boss will be mad at us for even asking, and we’ll be embarrassed if he turns us down. We’ve afraid that the boss won’t think as highly of our efforts and abilities as we do.
- Not going to the doctor to find out what that lump is, because we are afraid of what it MIGHT be. Somehow, fear convinces us that pretending that it’s nothing at all will cause it to BE nothing at all. I don’t think science works that way…
- Not making things right in a relationship because we are afraid: of rejection, ridicule, having to admit we were wrong, being embarrassed, stirring up old hurts, feeling humiliated, being ignored, wanting to hold tightly to a grudge.
- Going back to school to get that degree – because we’re afraid we’ll fail, or it’ll be too much work, or we won’t be able to afford it, or we won’t find a job after all that effort.
- Using the talents that God has given us, because we don’t feel confident, or aren’t sure if that’s REALLY what God wants us to do, or we compare ourselves with others who have been doing that task for years and we think we’ll look foolish in comparison.
- Bringing up topics that need discussing, because we are afraid of conflict, or afraid of being wrong, or afraid of being asked a question that we don’t know the answer to, or afraid of being left behind.
- Talking to visitors at church – because we might not know what to say, or sound stupid, or they might not like us.
Every time we say “But I’m afraid”, and let it paralyze us, we are totally focusing on SELF, and absolutely letting fear control us. How will this make ME feel? What will happen to ME? To a degree, we can’t avoid that, because, well, you are YOU and you know what you feel.
This way of looking at fear is certainly not an absolute – on the flip side, fear can sometimes protect us from real danger. I think it’s perfectly fine for you to be afraid of playing with rattlesnakes, and decide not to play with them.
That’s not the kind of fear I’m talking about.
The fear we deal with on a day to day basis is different. We are so focused on how we feel and how scared we are of looking foolish (or wrong) that we let that fear win.
We become a prisoner of fear.
That type of paralyzing, controlling fear makes us feel weak and victimized; we feel we have no choice, when actually, you ALWAYS have a choice.
So we don’t ask for the raise. Or go back to school. Or bring up the elephant in the middle of the room.
Hearing that guy on the radio say “Fear is really selfish”, was sort of an epiphany for me. Because I don’t WANT to be paralyzed by nonproductive fear, fear that hurts rather than propels me to action. And realizing that fear is often selfish, and that I don’t want to be selfish, kind of gave me a wave of courage.
If I need to make something right with another person but am afraid to bring it up with them, I can choose to focus on doing what I know is the right thing to do, whether it scares me or not. That gives me a purpose, and a sense of control and choice in the matter. It’s something to pin my courage on.
It shifts the focus from what I do or don’t want to do, and onto who I want to BE.
It’s kind of a subtle mind shift sort of thing, but it was huge for me.
For me, thinking about fear as something that I not only CAN overcome, but SHOULD overcome, helps me find the courage to do the thing.
I’ve counseled many people over the years that the only way to overcome fear is to face it and walk through it. Depression, anxiety, OCD, and the like center around paralyzing fear of some sort.
Your goal should not be to avoid the thing you fear, but to overcome the fear with action.
Acknowledge the feelings of fear, realize that those feelings won’t kill you, acknowledge that you can survive uncomfortable feelings, and then do the thing (if it is reasonable to do so).
As humans, we want the feeling of fear to go away BEFORE we do the scary thing. We want to feel courageous before we act.
But that’s not courage.
Courage is being afraid, but choosing to do the thing anyway.
COURAGE isn’t the absence of fear; it’s feeling the fear and taking action anyway.
I wish I could tell you that if you just wait awhile, you won’t be afraid and then you can move forward. But you and I both know that’s not the way it works. The more you actually do the thing you are afraid to do, while you are still afraid, the less fearful you feel over time.
Did you catch the last two words of that last sentence?
OVER TIME.
It’s not a “one and done” sort of process. You can’t do the scary thing a time or two and then complain that you still feel fear, so the process doesn’t work. Keep after it. It will take as long as it takes. And I don’t know how long that will be for you and your particular fear and circumstances. But I guarantee that if will take more than a handful of tries.
So, after tossing this idea around in my head for a bit, I do see the connection between FEAR and SELFISHNESS.
What is selfish, in my mind, is when we feel fear and choose not to do the thing that needs doing. That is absolutely putting my comfort over everything else. As Christians, we know that we are to think of others – their needs, their feelings – and also remember who we are as Christians. I need to be who God has called me to be, regardless of how I feel at the time. And that means often being called on to do the hard things that scare me to death.
It’s been said that if you aren’t scared half to death most of the time in ministry, then you aren’t doing it right. I kind of believe that.
Maybe what I’ve shared here isn’t
quite the paradigm shift for you as it was for me. But hopefully, I’ve at least gotten you to think about those fears in your life that have left you paralyzed and unsettled. Maybe you can relook at those hard, scary things and decide that you will unstick yourself and move forward, straight through the fear, so that you can be who you are meant to be, rather than who your fears tell you to be.
I had to ask myself why it took me so long to figure this out.
Well, I don’t have an answer for that.
I just know for me, I don’t want to be paralyzed by fear, and thinking about it as a selfish choice gives me something solid to work on. In a weird way, this idea was pretty exciting and motivating, because not only does it make sense, it also gives me courage, purpose, and hope to face down the things that I’m afraid of.
Until next time, be purposeful, and keep your eyes looking forward. Rebecca
Peripheral Wisdom 