When It’s the Most Wonderfully Difficult Time of the Year

Have you ever hypnotized a chicken?   It’s really easy.

Here’s what you do:  Hold a chicken on the ground and stretch out her neck so that her “chin” and beak are lying flat.  Then, still holding her down gently, draw a straight line (with your finger or a stick) in the dirt, running from her beak out and away from her.  You can let go of her now – the chicken won’t move.  She has been hypnotized by that straight line.

Amazingly, she will remain fixed in that position until something finally breaks her focus.

(I read this on the internet, so I’m pretty sure it’s true.  If you know otherwise, please keep it to yourself so my point won’t be ruined.  Thx.)

Do you ever feel like a hypnotized chicken?  I know I do.

I can get so hyper-focused on something right in front of me –
especially something painful or sad – that it is hard to see or experience
anything else. 

Not everyone feels merry and joyful during the holidays.  Often, they have been enslaved by sad memories, recent or long ago losses, and dashed hopes that make this season of merriment hard to bear.  Others feel so overwhelmed by all the things they “have to do” in November and December, that they can’t see past the next task on their list.   And they become paralyzed, much like the hypnotized chicken who can’t see past the terror of that straight line.

Please know that if you are feeling less than merry and bright during the holiday season, you are not alone.  I think most people, if they are honest, will admit that there is some degree of sad in there with their happy.  We remember Christmases past, and the people who are no longer with us, either because of death or severed relationships.  We may remember times when something tragic happened around the holidays, and it’s hard to get that feeling of unease and sadness to leave.  Some people, unfortunately, are in a bad situation right now, and the holiday season is anything but happy.

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For whatever reason, we have this Normal Rockwell – Hallmark movie idea of Christmas and how it “should” be in our hearts and minds.  We want to experience the holidays all warm and cozy and happy and get along with everybody and nobody makes anybody else angry.

In reality, our lives are a mishmash of many different conflicting thoughts and feelings and expectations.  And our experience during the holidays will be the same way.

There will be a good bit of happy.  But there will be some sad in there too.

While we can’t remove all the old, painful memories, and we can’t totally shush the wishing for what is not, there are some things you can do to better weather the difficult times.

1.   Feel What You Feel

There are no right or wrong feelings.  Feelings just – are.  Acknowledge what you do feel and see if you can figure out why you feel that way.  Others may think you shouldn’t feel a particular way – they are wrong.  If you weren’t supposed to feel a certain way, you wouldn’t.  Try to understand where the feelings come from and ask yourself why there are there.  Only then can you determine what to do with those feelings.

2.  Take a Look at Your Expectations of Yourself and Others

Our expectations get us in SO much trouble.  Especially during the holidays.  You expect people to do certain things, behave certain ways, and when they don’t, it impacts your mood dramatically.  You may become angry and resentful, break down in tears, ignore them.

All because you had an expectation that didn’t come true.

Many times our expectations are not based in reality.  We project our ideal of what “should be” rather than what “is” onto others, and they rarely meet this imagined ideal.  Especially during the holidays.

If your grandpa has always been a sarcastic son-of-a-gun, he probably will be again this year.  No amount of wishful thinking will change that.  People can change, yes.  But they rarely do, especially at a high stress time like Christmas.  If you expect Grandpa to be different this year, and he’s not, you have set yourself up to be miserable.

Think about your expectations of yourself too.  There will be too much to do.  So don’t try to do it all.  Prioritize and make some choices.  Weed out the “busy” tasks and focus on the meaningful ones.  It is absolutely ok to tell yourself and others “no”.  In fact, it is imperative to say no now and then to avoid burnout.

You, and those around you, won’t be perfect this holiday season.  Things will go wrong.  Instead of crossing your fingers and gritting your teeth hoping that everything will – finally! – be perfect this year, instead let a go of your need to control it all.  Try planning for what you’ll do when don’t go as expected.  Decide in advance what you’ll say if Grandpa slings a zinger of a sarcastic comment at your very sensitive son, even though you’ve spoken to Grandpa about this.   Figure out how you can manage yourself in the midst of chaos and other people’s poor behavior.  Your behavior doesn’t have to be poor just because theirs is.

The only person you can control is YOU.

Focus on the things you have control of.  Leaving all the Christmas preparations until the last minute will create a bunch of stress for you.  So don’t put it all off until the last minute.  You can do something to prevent that kind of stress.

In dealing with difficult people, always  hope for the best (anything can happen), but PREPARE for the worst.  If things do go better than ever before, be thankful and enjoy it. And if they don’t, then you’ll be ready to deal with these things rather than react inappropriately to them.

3.  Find Things to be Thankful For

We’ve all heard “attitude of gratitude” until we’re blue in the face, I know.  But making a point – making the effort – to focus on the good rather than bad will make a difference in how you feel and in how much you are able to find joy this season.

You all have probably seen this on Facebook and such, but it IS TRUE:

There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

There is.  Look for it.  Look HARD for it if you are especially stressed.  But it’s there waiting to share a teeny bit of joy with you if you will slow down long enough to notice.

4.  Stay in the Moment

We get ourselves all worked up when we let ourselves spend too much time worrying about the future and rehashing the past.  That is not to say that the past is not significant – it was – or that we shouldn’t plan for the future – we should.

The problem comes when we spend the majority of our time and mental energy in either of those places and not enough time in the current moment.

Scripture has a lot of wisdom on this one, as usual:

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”         Matthew 6:34

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.  And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”          Philippians 4:6-8  

These are two of my favorite verses, and are ones I need to read often to keep myself in a good place emotionally.

You may be anticipating getting together with your extended family for Christmas Day and you’re remembering how bossy and picky your mom always is.  Everything has to be just so, and even when you do everything right, it still isn’t “right”.  It’s always something.  And your sister’s kids – they are SO wild and uncivilized.  You really don’t want your kids playing with them.  So while you’re making your shopping list for your contribution to the Christmas meal, “mashed potatoes” somehow reminds you of Christmases past, and you find yourself getting angrier and angrier at how unjoyful it all was.  “Pumpkin Pie Filling” reminds you of how one year, right before dessert, you couldn’t take it anymore, said some choice words, and stormed out.  After focusing on all of this negativity for awhile, your mind, if left to its own devices, will jump ahead to next week, when you’ll all be together again – for, you believe, a probable repeat of that same miserable kind of Christmas Day.  And thinking about that gets you even angrier and holier-than-thou and all sorts of other intense and uncomfortable emotions that you don’t enjoy.

You’re dreading the entire thing.

Do you see what’s happening?

Your run-away thoughts are influencing your emotions, which in turn will impact the way you act.  The good news is, you can change courses.

Can you think of ways to face this situation and be less stressed about the whole thing?  Christmas Day with the extended family still may not be at the top of your “best times ever” list of things to do, but you DO have some control over how you feel and how it all goes.

You most definitely have control of what thoughts you choose to park on.

On that Christmas Day, focus on the things that DO go right. On the people who ARE kind and cheery.  This will take effort, because you are used to focusing on the all the negatives.  You are most likely primed and ready for all the crap to start flying.  Your comebacks are already rolling around in your brain.

Instead, stay in the moment.

Do the aromas coming out the kitchen smell good?  Do they make you smile and sigh?  Notice that.  Think about what it smells like and how those smells make you feel.  Does one particular dish remind you of your Grandmother, whom you really loved, but who has passed on?  Spend a bit of time smiling about how wonderful she was and how blessed you were to know her.

Is your dad, in his wacky way, trying to help everyone get along?  Take a minute and notice his efforts, even if they come up short.  Tell him you noticed, and give him a hug.

Is it snowing?  Even though that might make driving a pain later on, RIGHT NOW – stop and notice how pretty it is.  Go outside and close your eyes.  Feel and smell (yes, smell) the snow.  Listen to how normal sounds are different when things are covered with snow.  Feel the moment that God has given you.  Don’t worry about driving until you need to drive.

This is called staying in the moment.

It won’t come naturally.  You will have to “pull” yourself out of the past and the future and pointedly note what’s going on in the Present.

(You know I can’t let this opportunity pass me by, right??)

The Present, this very moment, IS a present.  We’re not guaranteed tomorrow, and we can’t go back and get a redo of yesterday.

The present is more than just a moment.

It’s your Gift.