Stress LESS and Enjoy MORE this Holiday Season

Are you panicking yet?

I can already feel time accelerating as we stumble into mid-November then slide on in to Thanksgiving, and quickly round that corner to December and Christmas. I can feel the hard deadlines of Thanksgiving and Christmas staring me in the face, and I’m starting to feel just a tiny bit frantic about it all.

You too?

If you tend to get overwhelmed and stressed this time of year, I have a few tidbits of advice to share that will help you enjoy more and stress less.

1.  BE PURPOSEFUL

The first thing you have to do is actually STOP for a minute before you dive headlong into the crowds and the frenzy of busy-ness that we have come to call the holidays here in America.

Even though your instincts are telling you to “get busy!!”, you need to sit down for a few minutes and do a bit of thinking.

Decide what activities, traditions, events, and the like are important to you and focus on THOSE.

Did you notice the word “decide” there?

Know what activities bring meaning to you and your family and do THOSE things.  You will be inundated with a million invitations and great ideas and fun opportunities over the next 6 weeks.

But the fact is, there will simply not be enough time or energy (or money) to do everything.

So be purposeful in what you do over the next 2 months.

Get the family together and ask each person what makes Thanksgiving and Christmas special for them, then make a point to incorporate those things into your holiday season activities.

Here’s an example.  If you spend a lot of time and effort making fruitcakes for everyone at Christmastime because that’s what your mom always did, but nobody (including you) actually LIKES fruitcake – then stop doing that!  If someone asks you where the fruitcakes are this year, tell them that you decided not to make them.  Now you can use that freed up time to do something that brings meaning to you and those you love.

And if you decide that even though no one (including you) likes fruitcake, but you just feel like you HAVE to make them so that it seems like Christmas to you, then do it.

But do it because you’ve chosen to, not because you feel like you have to.

Be purposeful in how you use your time, energy, and finances.

2.  MAKE A PLAN

Once you and your family have decided what your priorities are for this holiday season, get out a calendar and make a plan.  Schedule in the things that you want to do (family portrait, going caroling, baking cookies, dressing up to see The Nutcracker, etc), so that they will actually happen.  And no, planning things out doesn’t take all the fun out of the holidays – it actually helps insure that you use your time the way you intended to.

Spontaneity is nice, and there will be opportunity for spur-of-the-moment activity too.  But leaving it all to spontaneous happenstance leaves a lot to be desired when you’re feeling overwhelmed and extra busy.

3.  START NOW

You can do all the planning in the world, but if you wait until Thanksgiving morning to start thawing that turkey, things won’t be as laid back as you might have wished.

So start your planning and doing NOW, no matter when “now” is.  Even if “now” is already late, it’s still earlier than waiting until tomorrow.

Even if you’ve waiting a bit too long to get the ball rolling and you have that deer in the headlights look because it’s all coming at you too quickly, getting going today beats the heck out of waiting until tomorrow.

Take a look at the events you put on your calendar, and figure out what preparation needs to be done for each thing.  Are you hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year?  Then there are most likely some things you need to do in the days leading up to Thanksgiving to get ready.  Plan them out.  Put them on the calendar.

Are you mailing Christmas cards?  Then decide how many days before Christmas you want them to be in the mail – put that on the calendar.  Figure out how long it will take you to address them, write a note in them, buy stamps – and put those on your calendar too.

Taking the family to see The Nutcracker?  Figure out what day to go, and then make sure you leave time to get tickets.  Put it on the calendar.

You will need a calendar with a lot of space to write.  :o)

4.  LEARN TO SAY NO

For some reason, we feel obligated to say “yes” to everyone and everything that competes for our time.  Sometimes we want to say “yes”, but time, cost, exhaustion, and the like prevent us from joining in.

But lots of times, we really don’t want to say “yes”, yet we feel obligated.

Accept the fact that it’s ok to say “no”.

“No” is a perfectly acceptable answer, and most people will accept your “no” just fine.  They may be a little disappointed, but generally folks won’t be uncivil about it.  Remember that you are in charge of your time and how you choose to use it.

You can’t do everything.  And even if you could, you wouldn’t WANT to do everything.  When you try decide to get out the cape and be Superwoman, the stress you place on yourself may sap all the joy out of the holidays for you AND your family.

Practice saying polite “no’s”.  Google “how to say no”. You’ll find some great ideas for how to decline invitations graciously.

What about obligation?  There are some things we don’t particularly WANT to do, but we feel obligated because it is important to someone else.  What about that?

Sometimes doing things out of obligation is the right thing to do.

For example, it may not be your idea of a fun holiday evening to hang out with your Great Grandma and watch Lawrence Welk reruns on December 15 every year.  But maybe for her, it’s one of the highlights of the season.  You love your Great Grandma and you realize she won’t be around for all that many more years.  So even though Lawrence Welk makes you gag, you make the time because of a sense of obligation, as well as a love for your Great Grandma.  That’s totally ok.  Wonderful, in fact.  Just be sure you are doing it purposefully (see #1), even if it is not your favorite part of the month of December.  Someday you’ll be oh so glad you made the time to be with your Great Grandma.

If you do end up participating in things you feel obligated to do, be sure to focus on the blessings inherent in that event, rather than only focusing on how put out you feel about being there.

Look for the good and you’ll find it.

5.  BE REALISTIC ABOUT RELATIVES

I know you’re tempted, but the holidays are NOT the time to try and resolve all your family’s issues.  Keep in mind that everyone’s stress level is automatically heightened during the holidays, then add to that a mix of people who don’t see each other often, and just for fun, toss in a few folks who are sure to tick everyone off.  All the ingredients for a perfect storm assembled in one (too small) house (with only one bathroom).

If your family tends to be full of drama, they will tend to be full of drama again.  If your Dad hasn’t spoken to his sister in 20 years, he will most likely not be in the mood to speak to her just because it’s Christmas and we’re supposed to be full of joy today.

Think long and hard before you surprise your relatives with an intervention.

The temptation to address long-standing family squabbles is there, I know.  Because everyone is going to be at the same place at the same time, and it just makes SENSE.  Christmas seems like the PERFECT opportunity to address those huge issues, make Mom talk to Uncle Fred, have an intervention with the meth-head, tell the teenager with blue hair that she can’t sit at the dinner table until she starts to show some RESPECT by getting rid of that blue!  Right?  WRONG!  It’s a horrible idea.  Don’t do it, please.

First of all, it won’t turn out like you want it to.  Emotions are already running high during the holidays, everyone is already just waiting to be set off, and you’re about to pull a pin (or two) and throw a grenade (or 8) into the mix.  Sounds fun!  Don’t.

So what to do, then?

• Be civil – you can’t control how anyone else acts, but you can control yourself.  And you must control yourself.  Just because someone else is acting out doesn’t mean it’s ok for you to do the same.
• Lower your expectations – Yes, you heard that right.  The best predictor of future behavior, is, unfortunately, past behavior.  Yet we don’t seem to be good at accepting that tendency. Lowering your expectations will reduce your stress.

Why is it that we go into family gatherings expecting the person who has been a jerk every year for the past 15 years to suddenly NOT be jerk-y this time?  When there is no indication that anything has changed?  There is no reason to expect more from a person than they have shown in the past.

An important point:  Don’t give up hope – anything can, and sometimes does, happen – but the likelihood of a drastic change in behavior happening all of a sudden at a holiday gathering – um, not so great.

If things go better than normal, be thankful.  If someone has changed for the better, let them know how much you appreciate it, and thank God for His ability to change a person.  But don’t EXPECT these changes.

Don’t let your enjoyment of the time together depend on miraculous changes in the behavior of people who have a history of not being civil.

Make sure your expectations of your kids are realistic too.  During the holidays, kids tend to  be hyper-excited and amped up on holiday treats. They will most likely act like kids who are super excited and full of sugar and not much sleep.  Why do they do this?  Is it because they are horrible little urchins who are just trying to embarrass you?  Probably not.  Probably it’s because they are excited and have had too much sugar and not enough sleep.

Yes, have your expectations and requirements. I’m not saying to just let the kids run around like banshees for a month.  But be sure to COMMUNICATE THOSE EXPECTATIONS CLEARLY TO THEM.  Don’t assume they should “just know” how to behave.  Remind them.  And don’t act so surprised when they act like excited kids.

• Rehearse your lines – If there is a situations that tends to happen each year at holiday time that upsets you consistently, rehearse how you will handle that in advance.  Because if it’s happened every year for 10 years, it’ll likely happen this year too.

Plan what you will say to Uncle Stan when he’s had too much to drink and asks you (again) when you and your hubby are gonna start making babies.  Because Stan will likely do something similar this year.

If your cousin tends to be cruelly critical of your kids, decide in advance what you will say to her when it happens this year so that you have prepared and are ready to deal with it.  She’ll still push your buttons.  You’ll still be angry with her.  You’ll still think she’s insensitive and wonder why in the world she says things like that.  But you can handle it a lot better and with a lot less residual stress if you rehearse your lines before you get there.

Because people will tend to act this year the way they have acted in past years.

You included.   Hmm.

Spend some time thinking about that too.  If you tend to rub people the wrong way or lose your “filter” with certain people and say things you shouldn’t, spend some time praying about it and rehearsing how you can act differently this year.

• Set your differences aside

You are bigger than this, bigger than these issues.  God CALLS you to be bigger than all this.

Remove the chip from your shoulder.  Leave the resentments and hurt feelings you usually drag along behind you at the door and try to just be thankful.  For whatever you can think of to be thankful for.  There are ALWAYS things to be thankful for.  Get rid of the “poor me” attitude.  Take the snark out of your tone of voice and choice of words.

Sure, not everyone will act like you wish they would (you included), but surely you can set those differences aside for a day and focus on the blessings you all have, the good things you share.  Even in the worst of situations there are things to be grateful for.

There will be opportunities later to resolve differences.

And if the opportunity to make things right with someone presents itself during the holidays, by all means, seize the moment!

But don’t FORCE the moment.  Don’t take a perfectly lovely day and decide that you will forcibly make peace with your semi-captive relatives.

6.  MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS

I wrote about LOWERING your expectations a few paragraphs ago, talking about dealing with relatives.  Now, I’d like to share a few more thoughts on expectations in general.

You will not be perfect and neither will anyone else. Things will not go according to plan.  Count on it.  And find a way to be ok with it.

Does it really ruin the entire day if your son brings apple-CRANBERRY sparkling cider instead of the apple-PEAR sparkling cider LIKE YOU ASKED HIM TO?  Like you have EVERY year?  It can ruin the whole day, if you let it.  But it shouldn’t.  And it doesn’t have to.

If he is supposed to bring the turkey and he brings bologna instead?  That might ruin it for some people.  But even then, find a way to laugh about it and deal with it, without creating a national crisis.

If you approach the holidays with perfection and perfect peace in mind, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.  Go in with a plan, absolutely.  But when things go a bit haywire (and they will), roll with it.  Find the humor.  Don’t waste your time being angry at who did what wrong, and why, and how “now it’s ruined!”.

When your husband or your kids or your friends or your mom don’t respond to something the way you wanted them to, don’t let that ruin your day.

Years ago, I worked with a client whose mother was so picky about how Christmas should be “done” that the family basically dreaded Christmas.  The woman was never happy.  She saw the day as a big production that had to be done just right, even down to the way they came down the stairs in their new pajamas on Christmas morning.  Everyone had to look just right, talk just right, open gifts just right.  React just right.  And because the family “never” did it “right”, she was forever upset about it all.  Angry at them for being so dense and ruining her day.  Even if they did everything the way she directed, she would find something to be upset about.  Joy?  None.  Family bonding?  Nope.  They coulen’t wait for it to be over.

It’s sad really, that we can be so particular about having things go our way that we sap all the joy and wonder right out of the season. That our families dread getting together.

Don’t be that person.

What were Thanksgiving and Christmas supposed to be about again?

What memories will your kids be taking with them in the years to come?

Think about those things.

Check your expectations.  If they are the least bit unrealistic, get rid of them.

Even though Christmas comes on December 25 every single year, we seem perpetually startled that it sneaks up on us and comes “so quickly”.  Every year many of us say “I’m gonna get an early start on it next year!”

And I think we mean it.

Falling back to one of my key phrases again (thank you Nike) – JUST DO IT!  You can, you know.  It just takes some planning and a bit of action.

Wouldn’t it be cool if we could actually relax and enjoy the holidays with our families? If we didn’t dread this time of year because of all the things we “have” to do?   If we blessed others rather than stressed them out in November and December?

If you’ll be purposeful and do some planning, examine your expectations and decide to let some things go, I guarantee that your stress will go down and you’ll enjoy the season a whole lot more.