I’ve lived in the Seattle area for more than 35 years now. I know what gray is.
The older I get (you’ll be hearing that phrase a lot…), the less black and white things seem to be. Kind of funny how that happens.
There are way more gray areas in life than my younger self was able (willing…) to see.
The things themselves didn’t necessarily change. It was my ability to process more than one way to see things that did change.
Whether we’re talking about religious views, politics, culture, or whether cilantro tastes like soap or not, two people can look at the same thing and see it differently.
- Two SMART people.
- Two SINCERE people.
- Two PASSIONATE people.
- Two people who are seeking TRUTH.
- Two people with PURE INTENTIONS.
It takes some time and honest introspection to admit that I’m not always right, that my views aren’t necessarily correct just because I believe they are, or just because I’ve thought that way for a very long time.
And hey – sometimes I AM right! Yay, me!
Many more times, I am only partially correct. More information will help me understand more fully.
I used to believe that seeing the gray areas meant someone wasn’t convicted of their beliefs. That they were caving or just didn’t know enough to see it “correctly”.
And I’m a bit ashamed to admit that I also used to think that those who came to different conclusions on matters that were important to me were either just stupid or stubborn. Or both.
Pride and an inability to allow others to be right kept me from considering that I might not know everything. That maybe I HAVE been wrong for a very long time.
Younger me was incredibly inflexible and full of myself…
Before I go any further, I want to be sure to say that some things ARE black and white, are either true or false, are either right or wrong. I need to say this because those who want to say “but what about … THAT’S not a gray area!” are getting restless over there.
So please realize that I’m not speaking about every.single.case of every.single.thing. (imagine emphasis clapping on each word there)
It’s funny how we humans tend to believe that the things we feel strongly about are the things that are black and white, with no gray areas and no room for being wrong.
I don’t have to agree with someone’s views to be able to slow down and REALLY listen to what they think, to acknowledge that I see where they’re coming from, and that I can follow the logic that brought them to that conclusion.
That doesn’t mean I agree with them, even though I might.
What it does mean is that I care enough about that person to consider what they believe and why they believe that.
It means that I won’t just dismiss their view because it is diametrically opposed to mine.
And what if they share some information or point of view that actually does change my mind?
Wouldn’t that be a good thing? It shouldn’t feel like a loss.
If I can’t admit that I was wrong, that’s a problem.
If I have to paint the other person as the enemy or assume evil intentions, that’s a problem.
When everyone believed the earth was flat, nobody wanted to accept evidence that it was, in fact, NOT flat. Some people still don’t. I have listened to flat earth reasoning enough to follow their train of thought. I don’t agree, but I understand what leads them to that conclusion.
What we firmly believe can change over time because we find out more about it. If new information or a better understanding of existing information brings new and different light to a topic, then the wise choice is to consider that new information. The foolish, prideful choice is to NOT consider the information that we didn’t have before.
Humans don’t like change, even good change. But unfortunately, the only constant in this world is change. It’s gonna happen, whether we like it or not.
Here are a few things to remember when you feel yourself being triggered by information that runs counter to your beliefs on a topic you feel strongly about:
- Speaking louder and more angrily won’t convince anyone of your correctness.
- Refusing to listen – really listen – to another’s logic at arriving at their viewpoint won’t make them see anything your way.
- Accusing them of having ulterior motives or having bowed to social pressure because of their views is lazy, disingenuous, and hurtful.
- Sharing untrue assumptions about motives to others is gossip and incredibly harmful.
- Insisting that you are correct just because you feel strongly about something won’t impress a single person or get them to consider your views.
We can build bridges rather than walls – even when discussing strongly opposing views.
Listening and acknowledging that there are other ways to view pretty much anything that you hold a strong view about can build bridges and encourage conversation, which in turn can soften our attitudes and move us towards a friendlier, happier existence in a world full of chaos.
I’ll share a post another day about ways to disagree without being disagreeable, so stay tuned for that.
Don’t believe stuff that is a lie. That should go without saying. But it’s important to set anger and ego and pride aside and be open to things that don’t line up with what we think we know.
Listening to understand moves us towards unity in the face of disagreements, which is what unity is all about.
Seeing gray areas in no way diminishes a person’s commitment to truth. It simply allows for considering the possibility that there is another way to see things.
Because I might be wrong. And so might you.
Peripheral Wisdom 