Listen to Me!

How to (really) Listen:

1. Be quiet
2. Look at the speaker with openness and compassion
3. Listen to their words and emotions
4. Be quiet
5. Do not think about what you are going to say in response
6. Focus on understanding WHAT they are saying, without judgement.  Be like a reporter taking down the facts that the other person is sharing with you. 
7. Resist the urge to think in either/or terms (“either THIS is true, or THAT is true”; “Either I am right OR you are right”)   Often many things are true at the same time.  One truth does not negate the other(s).
8. Be quiet
9. Summarize what you heard them say
10. Ask them if they feel you understand what they are telling you
11. Be quiet while they respond
12. If they say you didn’t quite get it, and they want to correct your understanding, BE QUIET again and listen even more closely.
13. Resist the urge to say things like “I hear what you’re saying, BUT….” or “well, what about xyz??!!”
14. When you do speak, ask questions that lead to further understanding, or say things that acknowledge their experience:

• Can you help me understand why you feel the way you do?
• Please tell me more – I want to understand.
• Have I done anything to make it worse?
• What can I do to help?
• That must be so frustrating (crazy-making, infuriating, sad, etc)
• I am here for you
• I care
• I’m so sorry

Your goal right now is to listen and be sure you understand the message the other person intends to communicate, whether you agree with their message or not. 

Try your hardest to see things from their perspective and understand their point of view. 

Acknowledging their feelings and experiences doesn’t diminish your own.

The time for sharing your own thoughts, beliefs, and feelings may not be right now.

That’s ok.   

Learn to be ok sitting with someone else’s anger/fury/frustration/sadness without feeling the need to correct them, tell them what to do, or be defensive. 

This is not easy!

Sometimes LISTENING is the single goal for the moment.

Two ears, one mouth.

James 1:19 – “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Galatians 5:2 – “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Colossians 3:12 – “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,”

John 13:35 – “Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”

Listening well takes a lot of self discipline and intention. You have to practice and push back against your human nature that wants to be heard and insists on being right.

But we are called to be MORE. You can do this.