I wasn’t sure if I was brave enough to post this today, but here goes.
I get it.
You’re frustrated and angry about the COVID-19 situation.
Things taking too long. Not taking things seriously early enough. Whose fault it is. The lack of preparation. The deaths. The total disruption of society world-wide. The financial crash, loss of jobs, and uncertain future.
And I understand that you have particular political leanings, to the left or to the right, which lead you to make certain choices about what media sources to believe, and what to focus your attention on.
We all – you included – have a filter that we pass ALL information through as we decide what to hold onto and what to let go of. What to believe and what to dismiss.
And I am aware of how hard it is to tolerate someone with the opposite viewpoint boldly stating their opinions online.
It feels offensive, somehow, and we can easily become triggered and lash out.
I get the feelings of anger, frustration, fear, and discouragement about the current situation, and the uncertainty of the future right now.
But, I wonder.
I wonder what you think you are accomplishing, on a personal level, or in the grand scheme of things, by self-righteously holding onto so much anger, bitterness, and even hatred?
What good does it do you to demand that blame be assigned to a specific person or group of people for this whole mess we find ourselves in? And becoming so very angry when others disagree with you?
What does that attitude accomplish?
Even if your opinion is correct: What difference does it make if you ARE right about who is ultimately to blame?
And what will actually resolve it for you? What will give you some closure on all… this?
Head on a platter? Burning at the stake? A gold sticker for being right?
Help me understand what is gained by the explosion of vicious fury and even hatred of anyone who holds a differing opinion? The mean words and accusations?
It amazes me how each side believes the other side must be stupid, or uninformed, or not really Christians, or whatever insult they decide to attach to all the not-my-opinion-on-this statements.
Pretty much everyone believes they have well-thought out, logical, and objective reasons for believing what they believe on any particular topic. I’m sure you feel that way about your own views. OK, I’ll admit – there are always a few who seem totally irrational in their opinions. But most people have solid reasons for believing what they believe.
The problem comes in when you disagree with MY strongly held belief and I don’t know what to do with that.
When a person says, “I can’t understand how ANYONE can think that!” – all that tells me is that that person hasn’t done their homework yet. The person speaking needs to take some time to listen to the other person’s viewpoint, until they DO understand it.
That’s on YOU for not understanding, not on THEM for holding their belief.
Not understanding a person’s reasoning doesn’t mean they are stupid; it means you are lazy.
“I can’t understand how you can believe that!” usually means we simply don’t LIKE what they think, not that we don’t understand it…
You can still disagree.
But if you say “I can’t understand how ANYBODY can believe that!”, well, my friend, that’s on you.
Because I guarantee they have their reasons, and it’s probably not the reason you assume it is.
We tend to self-righteously assume that they think that way because they are stupid or ill-informed or racist or xenophobic or from Arkansas or are just mean or… whatever. And unless we have asked and understood WHY they believe that way, we don’t truly know.
Negative emotions will eat you up, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, from the inside out, if you hang onto them.
Think of how much precious ENERGY you are using to hold onto that bitterness, and how much time you are using to fuel those feelings and “share” them with others.
The only thing you accomplish with the anger, bitterness, hatred, and blame is to expend a whole lot of negative mental energy, show others that you are not thinking rationally (because, no one at our level as average citizens can prove ANY of the things people are alleging with their blame statements), making yourself more stressed, and make people want to avoid you because of the intensity of your negativity.
What’s the end game when you focus on blame and hatred, but have no way to resolve any of it?
No, really – I’m asking.
What’s your goal here? To convince everyone that you’re smart? To be right? To effect change? Or just to spew hatred?
Obsessively focusing on past events that you have/had no control over, and demanding future actions that you can’t influence, only set you up for more frustration, anger, and bitterness.
Wouldn’t a better use of your time be finding ways to deal with the reality of what HAS happened?
We are where we are, today, like it or not. Here we are.
There ARE things you can control and have influence on.
But whose fault COVID-19 is/was ain’t one of ‘em.
What he/she/they should have done or not done a few months ago – ain’t one of ‘em either.
Have opinions, please. Believe what you want, sure.
But for goodness sake, please stop the obsessing about it. And stop acting like the intensity of your emotion and steadfast belief in your view makes you right.
Regardless of which side of anything you are on.
Anger isn’t always a bad emotion, even though it is often uncomfortable to experience.
Anger is a signal that something is wrong, and needs attention. That may be a situation, or it may be your attitude and focus that needs attention. In order for anger to be useful and productive, you MUST focus that energy on something you actually have some control over and it must be reasonably possible to improve the “thing” that needs attention.
Figuring out what your anger is telling you takes some time and effort. It also takes some courage.
But anger for anger’s sake is destructive. Anger as the end game is not only destructive; it’s stupid and crazy-making. There will be no satisfactory resolution if the only way you will feel better is for someone else to act the way you think they should. Especially if you are talking about a PAST EVENT.
Can you see how futile that is?
When life isn’t fair and we feel angry, we look for something or someone to blame. We want justice. We want it to seem fair.
But when there is nothing concrete to blame and punish for an extremely life-altering, scary, uncertain situation, we have a hard time coping and processing that anger and that situation.
COVID-19 is like that.
It came out of the blue, impacted us tremendously, has us uncertain and a bit scared, we didn’t ask for it, and we don’t like it. And we instinctively look for somebody to take the blame, so we can make sense of it all and feel better.
We we believe we’ll feel better, somehow, when we can blame and hate someone for the things that have happened to us. When justice is served.
Human beings have an innate blood lust that drives this a bit, I think.
But I’d like to recommend that, instead of focusing all your energy on negative emotions (anger, blame, hatred) linked to events you CANNOT CONTROL, and/or have already happened – how about you instead choose to focus on the things you CAN control?
Things like: how you use your time, what you read, how you interact socially, your attitude, your choice of words, your decision to do something useful and productive with all that energy that you’ve got inside you.
And if you really want to challenge yourself, you can choose to consider that you might actually be wrong! Because you might be. And you might not be. But you might be. Or not.
But, seriously. You COULD be wrong.
I see people I care about making themselves crazy with anger about how COVID-19 didn’t have to happen this way, and who is responsible for what, and how senseless it all is, and just carrying their anger and hatred and blame like a self-righteous badge of honor that they wear proudly each time they post.
They have convinced themselves of the story the way they have chosen to see it, and heaven help us, don’t let any the conflicting facts get in the way.
Consider these things:
- You – and I – don’t have all the facts. (no one does)
- There were mistakes made, because of a plethora of complex reasons, which I guarantee you don’t fully understand (neither do I, or anyone one else at our level)
- You don’t truly know ANYONE else’s motives, no matter how much you believe you do.
- In the midst of bad decisions, there have also been good decisions (whether you can admit it or not)
- Credible sources consistently come up with differing information and conclusions. Because it ISN’T all black and white out there.
- We live in a political and social climate where the “other guy” is damned if s/he does and damned if s/he doesn’t. There is no grace for the other side, from either side.
- And even if you are absolutely correct in your blame campaign, SO WHAT? What can be done about the situation now, in your own personal reality or mine?
- People know what they know when they know it. No sooner.
- It’s hard to know which “crying wolf” is the real one.
- People have an uncanny ability to “forget” or conveniently overlook any facts that dispute their beliefs.
- There’s a lot we don’t know about all of it. We think we know it all, but we do not.
- There are probably many nefarious actions that were taken that we have no idea about, committed by people we don’t think would do those things. Again, there’s a lot we don’t know. All.the.time. If you have ever been in a leadership position, you know that you do not share every little detail about every decision with everyone you are in charge of. There is no reason to, and it could be harmful. (Recently fired Navy Commander who shared too much info, even though it was the truth, anyone? Not a prudent move…) Take this to an exponential level and you have the difference between the federal government and Joe Citizen. Why do we seem to think we have all the facts all the time??
- We’ll be ok, even though these things have indeed happened and we have an uncertain future.
- We will ok, if we decide to be ok.
Here’s the biggest problem. We want so badly to be right, and be heard, and storm the castle that we won’t let it go.
If I say, “You’re right!” will that make it better?
Because I can do that, if that’s what you need. The cool thing is, I don’t have to have you agree with me in order for me to be okay!
I’ll say that again: my okayness doesn’t depend on anyone else agreeing with me.
It’s really not personal whether you and I agree or not.
There’s some awesome freedom in letting go of the need to have everyone agree with you.
I’m not telling you to change your opinions, or your political stance. I’m not telling you not to feel what you are feeling. I’m not even telling you to change what you believe to be true.
What I would encourage you to do though, is make a different choice about where to focus all that emotional energy!
There is only one thing that makes sense here:
FOCUS ON THE PRESENT DAY AND ON WHAT YOU HAVE CONTROL OF IN YOUR LIFE.
Because any other choice will get you nowhere. Fast. And make you sick inside. And make people you care about avoid you.
Carrying around all that bitterness and anger is making you sick. Literally.
Because all I see, from over here, is a bunch of hatred, bitterness, and blame, attached to a militant attitude that screams “I’m right, by God, and you can’t be a Christian if you don’t agree with meeeee!”.
I imagine some foaming at the mouth and the crazy eyes too, but I can’t be sure…
Yikes. Really? Is that who you want to be?
I mean, you do get to choose.
You get to choose what you do with your words and actions and attitude. You get to choose the side of you that you present to the world as your social media presence.
I just don’t see an upside in carrying that much negativity and self-righteousness around all the time.
“Hi everyone! I’m angry and bitter about stuff most of the time, and I am convinced that I’m right about this, and I hate so-and-so, and if you disagree with me, well, you’re wrong and we can’t be friends! You are so stupid! Did I mention how ANGRY I AM??”
We’re all trying to cope with big changes in life right now.
It’s not fair – you are correct. Did it have to happen? I don’t know. I just know it DID happen. In my perfect world, it did not have to happen.
My mom didn’t have to die of cancer way too early either.
But she did.
In the same way – here we are. Right here, in a world where a pandemic DID happen.
So what are you gonna do with that? Spend all your time pointing fingers and being bitter?
I hope you make a better choice. One that will help others and not repel them. Share words and actions that you won’t be embarrassed about when you are thinking a little more clearly in a few days, or weeks, or months. Or hours. Choices that will encourage yourself and others to find a way to move forward again.
All the negativity I see in the words and attitude of some of my friends is toxic to them – and they don’t even seem to realize it, because they keep doing it.
And these are smart people!
Bitterness is like a cancer that spreads through society until we’re all sick, but we think we’re fine. It’s the “other” that is wrong, not me.
I am a news junkie. I spend a good bit of time reading about current events in the world, keeping up. I like to KNOW STUFF, and I enjoy feeling like a part of the world community. I work hard to understand all sides of an issue, ESPECIALLY the opinions that differ from my own.
So I’m certainly not telling you to stop being informed. Or to stop having opinions.
Read all the things, if that is what you do.
But please, try to develop the discipline and wisdom to put some boundaries up for your soul, so that you don’t internalize all the ick and carry it around with you to share with everyone else.
We all have our suspicions and our opinions. We all have the news outlets that we consider reputable (mainly because they agree with our predetermined views).
I respect your right to feel strongly about your views.
But you lose my respect when you demand agreement from others and become stuck in the mire of blame and bitterness that I see increasing this week. When you use opinion to fuel your hate, and act like you are superior to others because of your views.
I hope you’ll think about some of these things if you recognize yourself in anything I’ve said here.
The following verse, from Paul’s letter to the Philippians, helps us remember what to focus on instead of the negative things. It doesn’t mean you should wear your rose-colored glasses and pretend the world is only good all the time. That would be ridiculous and not true. The Bible never suggests that you be stupid. Paul is simply giving us some excellent advice on how to attack our tendency to get pulled down into the quicksand of anger, hatred, bitterness, and blame.
Because those are emotional and spiritual, and eventually physical, poison.
What you focus on is who you will become.
“… whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
Philippians 4:8
Until next time, focus on the things you can control, and be a light in your world…
Peripheral Wisdom 