This past weekend was pretty rough in America, with 2 more horrific mass shootings, and multiple deaths. We are all feeling a mishmash of emotions about it all, and even though there are a wide variety of solutions to the problem(s), I think we can all agree that we want this type of thing to stop.
I believe that there are many parts to a reasonable solution, and no one thing is THE answer.
Today’s post is not going to tell all of you what that/those solutions might be.
You all have your opinions on that, as do I.
And nobody is in much of a listening mood these days.
My post today is not about what “we” (the universal “we” that usually means everyone except “me”) should do to fix the cancer of violence in America.
My post today will address what each one of us: I / you / me – can do to make the world a safer and kinder place.
Because, really, that’s all ANY of us can do, today, right now – to start where we are.
- Be Proactively Kind to Others
Yup, that’s my top piece of advice. BE NICE. To the person you like and the person you don’t like. To the person you agree with, and MORESO, the person you don’t agree with. Practice being kind to people you disagree with and/or don’t like. You don’t have to agree with them. Any fool can be nice to the people they agree with. It takes a strong person to be consistently KIND to all those others, and to be respectful in the face of disagreement.
2. Listen More
Does something you read online or hear on the news trigger strong, negative emotions in you?
Do you, in turn, tend to vigorously unload all your thoughts and feelings about that topic back at the other person?
If you do, what are you hoping to accomplish with that lovely social media word vomit?
Because you’re probably not accomplishing what you’d like to accomplish there.
Remember, that before you can solve a problem, you have to understand where both sides are coming from.
And you can’t do that if all you want to do is talk / yell and “make” the opposing side agree with you.
Has that approach ever worked for you (or for anyone)?
I’m thinking it hasn’t.
LISTEN and understand the views of those you vehemently disagree with and you will go a long way to building bridges and coming up with REAL solutions instead of creating more disunity, tribalism, and anger/hatred.
Being kind and listening to an opposing viewpoint doesn’t make you weak or any more likely to change your closely held beliefs.
It makes you approachable, reasonable, trustworthy, and respectful.
It simply makes you a person that the other person MIGHT listen to, and helps you seek real solutions instead of emotionally-driven “answers” that don’t really work.
3. Own Your Feelings
Are you feeling angry, frustrated, scared, fed-up, disappointed?
Then admit that, and find something productive to do with that energy.
Look for solutions, not just blame.
If you are angry, stop pointing fingers at everyone else as the cause of your anger and instead, figure out WHY their disagreeing with you triggered you so much, and what you can do about it (without attacking or hurting other people).
The other person most likely feels just as strongly about their point of view as you do about yours, and feels that they are right just as much as you do. You BOTH probably feel morally correct and righteously indignant.
The other person isn’t stupid, or idiotic, or uneducated, or not a “real Christian” just because they see things a certain way.
4. Be Politically Active
If you don’t like current laws, work to change them. Vote. Serve in office. Speak up. But, don’t simply be mad at people who have a right to do what they are doing because the law allows that, regardless of the topic/issue. Don’t take your anger and indignation out on innocent people or their property in the name of political activity and righteous indignation.
All that will do is cause others to stop listening to what you have to say, even if you have a valid point.
5. Everybody’s Opinion Matters
Please, please stop being dismissive to those who are not your skin color, or your gender, or share your opinion, or have had the experiences you’ve had.
I’ve never been a professional athlete, but I have opinions on how those athletes play and perform, and I think my opinion matters.
You may have never been a sexual abuse victim like I have, but you DO have an opinion on sexual discrimination that matters. (And while I’m here, you shouldn’t believe me JUST BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN; you should believe me because I’m telling the truth and had something horrible happen to me. My gender alone does not make my statement more truthful.)
I’ve never been in a plane crash, but I have some valid opinions on airplane safety.
You may not be a parent, but you have a right to your opinion on parenting that perhaps I need to hear.
I may not be a Polish immigrant, but I have an opinion on immigration, and it counts.
You may not be the child of a mother who was a German immigrant like my mother was, but your opinion on immigration matters.
You may have never grown a human being in your body like I have, but I value your opinion on abortion/life rights. I need to understand why you see things the way you do, ESPECIALLY if your view is different than mine.
I may not be a racial minority, but I have opinions that matter on racism.
You may not have experienced ageism because you aren’t as old as I am, but I want to hear your views on that. It matters.
You may not be a Christian, but your opinion on creation and evolution matters to me. Maybe you have something to say that I haven’t considered. Maybe I have something to say that you don’t understand fully. Maybe we’re both wrong (or right).
Everyone has a right to their opinion on everything. I don’t have to have experienced every single thing in life to have an understanding and opinion about it. I’ve never walked in space, but I do understand gravity. It’s pretty silly to pretend that people only have a right to an opinion if they have had that particular experience.
6. Be Proactively Helpful
If you see someone who needs help, HELP THEM. No matter who they are. No matter what they look like or how they smell or if they are like you or different from you. No matter how inconvenient it might be. Bad things happen all over the world, and we, usually, aren’t located geographically to be able to physically help those in the middle of terrible tragedies, there. But, we CAN make choices every day, where we are, to make a difference in our geographic circle of influence.
Be a helper!
7. Take Mental Illness Seriously
Not every person who has depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and other mental illness will become mass murderers or do other horrific acts because of that illness. BUT, pretty much any person who does commit such atrocities has some form of mental illness (not every mental health expert would agree with that statement, however. I stand by the view that a mentally healthy person does not make those catastrophic choices.). And in hindsight, there are often (not always, but often) red flags that were overlooked or not taken seriously.
Please, if you are aware of someone who is struggling with mental illness, or who makes threats that might be easier to ignore than confront or report, take it seriously and follow up. Make sure they know help is available, and help them get that help if necessary.
We will never be able to 100% prevent tragedies that humans decide to inflict on each other. There are no guarantees of total safety in this life, even if we would very much like there to be that guarantee.
But we can do a better job of “if you see something, say something”. We can do a better job of being a friend to lonely, “different” people.
We can smile more, help more, talk more, listen more.
We can offer our help and friendship and attention to those who are suffering better than we have done up to this point.
Don’t let fear, complacency, selfishness, or laziness keep you from reaching out to someone who needs help.
8. Be a Responsible Gun Owner
If you do own guns, be a responsible owner.
Keep them secured at home. Know how to use them. Take that ownership seriously and as a privilege to be used responsibly.
If you love owning a gun, don’t hate on the people who hate guns and wish no one owned them. Try to understand their perspective.
If you do not like guns, and wish it wasn’t legal to own them, stop hating on the people who DO legally own guns. Our laws currently allow them to own personal weapons.
Seek to understand their viewpoints and help them understand yours.
Both sides have solid, personal, well thought out reasons for their views.
Listen to each other without all the hate!
9. Disagreement Does Not Equal Hate
I feel sad that I even have to say this.
We seem to have lost the ability to civilly and respectfully disagree as individuals and as a society.
Society seems to have decided that if you disagree with something I’m doing or something I strongly believe in, then it means that you hate ME. And so I, in turn, will solve that by hating you right back.
Folks, life is way more complicated than that. And we are better than that.
I will agree that SOME people do hate those they disagree with. But for most people, this is not true!
Do you ever disagree with something your spouse or child or parent or best friend thinks or does? Does that mean you, in turn, hate them?
Goodness, I hope not.
If you can’t disagree without hatred, then there is a deeper issue going on – the issue in question isn’t the REAL issue here.
I can tell you that I’ve not ever killed anyone with a gun (or anything else).
I can’t solve the issue of our mass murder epidemic, here, at my office, all by myself, today.
Do I have some ideas and opinions about how to make things better?
Of course I do.
So do you.
I can’t even solve it by being REALLY REALLY ANGRY AND MEAN AND DIVISIVE ONLINE ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND MAKING FUN OF THE “OTHER” SIDE AND SAYING YOU CAN’T BE A CHRISTIAN IF YOU THINK THIS WAY OR THAT WAY – EVEN USING ALL CAPS!!!
That won’t make anything better for anyone.
But I CAN do some things here, today, consistently, that will make a difference for me and the people in my geographical sphere of influence. And my kinder, more helpful and respectful choices might rub off on someone else, who will be impacted in a positive way, and who just might, then, make a positive, kinder, more helpful and respectful difference in someone else’s life.
Maybe all those better choices will prevent a tragedy. Who knows?
So, while I can’t do everything, and what I can do might not be a very big deal in the grand scheme of things, I CAN choose actions and attitudes that make the world better, here and now.
And If I choose to not do THOSE things, then I AM part of the problem.
Peripheral Wisdom 