Here Come The Adult Bullies…

If I asked you if you are a bully, what would you say? 

Not WERE a bully.

ARE a bully.

I bet you’d say you are not a bully. 

Most people who are bullies don’t see themselves that way.

There are some people who relish the idea of being a bully and are proud of it.  They think it’s their right to say whatever they want, no matter how rude, insensitive, and cruel because it’s what they really think and they are “just being honest”. 

They believe the bullied person should just grow a pair and take it.

We have a word for those folks in psychological circles. 

In non-psychological circles we just call them “jerks”.

But most people don’t like to think they are bullies.

Let me ask you this:  If some kid at school made fun of your child’s lisp or limp, would you be angry?  Or what if some kid made fun of your son because he was shorter and less physically mature than the other guys his age?  How about if some girl teased your daughter because she didn’t need to wear a bra yet, and “all” the other girls were more well developed?  

Would you think those kids who did the teasing are bullies?   (They are.)

Would you be ok with them acting that way and saying those things?   (No.)

What about YOUR kid? 

What if your own kid repeatedly told another kid he was stupid because he had trouble reading and writing, and your child and his friends liked to laugh at and mock that other child – would you think your kid was a bully and do something about that behavior?    I hope you would.

What if your kid made fun of other kids at school for the way they looked, if that was different from the “norm”? 

Would you care and try to correct your child?  Please tell me that you would.

I bet you would, ESPECIALLY if you care about your kiddo and what kind of person they would grow up to be.

Kids can be cruel and hurtful, can’t they?

But I started this post talking about YOU, not your kid, and whether you think YOU are a bully. 

So let’s wind our way back to the main topic.

I hate politics. (Hang with me here.)

With a passion and a hatred that I really don’t hold for much anything else.

DISCLAIMER:  We aren’t going to get into ANY political viewpoints in this post (or any other post I make for that matter)!

But what I AM going to get into here is something that becomes much more evident BECAUSE OF politics. 

This thing is about to be in our faces whether we like it or not, because we are – today in fact – entering with guns blazing (metaphorically) the next political cycle leading up to the 2020 presidential election.

Tonight began the presidential debates.

Back to the kids for a sec: I think it’s safe to say that most of us are not OK with our kids making fun of another person, because that behavior is (or should be) repulsive to us. 

We would say it is “wrong”.

Now here comes the uncomfortable part.

We are not ok with that behavior by our children, but we are ok with us or other adults saying things like:

“Hillary Clinton sounds like a crazy clown with that laugh!  And look at that mouth full of teeth (makes “hilarious” toothy crazy face meme to share; sends Hillary a tweet telling her she looks like a stupid crazy clown!)!  HAHAHAHA!”

“OMG she looks like an OLD HAG with that hairdo!  (Because being old is horrid, obviously) HAHAHA!”

Or jumping the aisle:

“Donald Trump is a cheeto-head moron imbecile hahaha!”

(I) disagree with his policy (on whatever) so therefore “Trump is the spawn of Satan and I hope he burns in hell!!!  HAHAHAHAH!” (then, person Tweets Trump a picture of him as a cheeto-head telling him to burn in hell because he is so stupid and evil. Person includes rolly-eye vomit emoji…)

Or a few years back:

Calling Barack Obama the N-word, or a monkey, or any of dozens of other horrible phrases on social media and laughing and sharing and laughing and sharing and …

“George Bush is so STUPID – did you hear how he can’t even say the words right?? I mean “MISUNDERSTIMATED???!!” He’s probably drunk! He’s so stoopid!! – Hahaha” 

Or how about saying/writing things like:

“You CAN’T have voted for xyz-candidate and still be Christian.  It is impossible! You aren’t a true believer.” 

“XYZ candidate can’t be a Christian because of THIS-THING!  And you are an idiot and not my friend if you supported her/him! I can’t even!” 

Friends, if this is you, STOP IT!

Please, for the love of all that is potentially productive discourse and friendship and unity and setting an example for those you don’t even know are watching you – STOP IT!

If all you’ve got in your arsenal of discourse is ridicule and hate and judgmental assumptions about other  people YOU DON’T PERSONALLY KNOW (or even those you DO know) – then your argument really isn’t all that strong, is it?

When a person tries to argue a point with another person who sees things differently and they get frustrated, they may resort to what is called a Hierarchy of Argument, or Conflict Escalation. This method is used when a calm approach doesn’t get them the desired result (which is often to convince the other person that their view is the RIGHT view), so they escalate their way of communicating.

Speaking calmly doesn’t get them to agree with me? Then I’ll talk louder. Still not seeing it my way? Well, I’ll insult their intelligence and ethics! Still holding on to their own view of things?? OK, now I’ll get passive-aggressive AND tell them I’m not sure we can be social media friends (or friends IRL!!) if they believe that way.

Ever seen someone calmly tell their child it’s time to go, and said child doesn’t listen? Next, the parent may yell. Said child still isn’t responding as desired, so parent yells AND threatens. Next, parent may scream and swear. Finally, parent storms over and forcefully/painfully drags said child out the door. (There’s a better way to deal with this situation, but that’s a post for a different day.)

Why did the friend up the argument ante and the parent escalate their behavior? Because their prior attempts at communicating weren’t getting the result they wanted, so they upped the intensity and the threat.

They let emotion drive their behavior instead of logic and self-control.

Abusers do this too: talk/ask, then yell, then berate, then scream/threaten, humiliate, then poke, then hit, then…

You get the idea.

A person with a limited set of communication tools resorts to futile, childish methods to try and appear superior / in control / more knowledgeable/ etc.

Every time I read or hear someone say these kindergarten playground bullying / assuming phrases, I lose a bit more respect for them. 

I mean, REALLY people? 

Social media makes it so easy to be a bully.  Twitter especially.  You can comment about, or to, any public figure you want and say anything you want. 

But, do you really think they are going to want to consider what you have to say if all you can come up with is, “You’re an idiot douchebag!  Why don’t you pull your head out?” 

I have to say that I’ve never changed my mind on anything after someone insulted or berated me online.

“You know, I think you ARE right! I didn’t realize it until you told me what an idiot I am and questioned my faith in God over this issue! Thank you!” said no one, ever.

Do you have a right to say these things?  Yes, you do!  But that doesn’t mean you should – for so many reasons.

Do you have kids? 

Grandkids? 

Cousins or friends’ kids or young people of any sort that you know? 

Well, guess what – they are watching you and learning how to act FROM YOU.

You were a kid once. 

And you probably heard a parent or other authority figure tell you, “do as I say, not as I do” when they acted poorly but didn’t want YOU to mimic them. 

It didn’t work, did it? Their actions spoke louder than their words.

“Well, my kiddos are too little to read, let alone be on social media, “ you say. 

The problem is, if you say that kind of stuff online, your attitude is most likely well communicated offline, even if you believe you are hiding your venom from the kids. 

And if we are honest, you know good and well they pick up WAY MORE of your mess than you want to admit.

They hear you loud and clear.

My point in all this is to think about who you want to be and what kind of example you want to set for those in your sphere of influence. 

Your nasty words and “I’m absolutely right; you’re absolutely wrong” attitude won’t change anyone.  Especially online.  I promise.

But it says a lot about you.  Is that what you want?

It’s funny – I sometimes read a comment on social media before looking to see who wrote it, and for certain people, I can tell you who said it before I look at the name.  That’s because some folks have a TYPE and a HABIT and they are starting to be defined by the mean comments and judgments they share “out there”. 

Funny, NOT funny.

I started watching the debate on TV tonight and had to turn it off.  Not because of what they were saying, but because of how they were acting.  I don’t need to be exposed to that venom.  I don’t need to see that disrespect.  I will read the synopsis tomorrow and find out what they said.

Let me speak to my fellow Christians for a sec.

People will take notice of what you say and how you act in light of the fact that you are a Christian.  What do your words and attitudes say about being a Christian, about faith, about God, about how to act in this world that is DIFFERENT from those who don’t share a faith-based worldview? 

We are supposed to be different – in a good way. 

Here are some reminders about how we ought to act “out there”.

“Don’t rejoice when your enemies fall; don’t be happy when they stumble.”   Proverbs 24:17 

“You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. ⁴⁸ “In a word, what I’m saying is, Grow up. You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.” Matthew 5:43-48  The Message

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”     Ephesians 4:29 

 “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.”  Luke 6:27-28

 “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”    Romans 12:18

 “⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”    Philippians 4:8 

“The first thing I want you to do is pray. Pray every way you know how, for everyone you know. Pray especially for rulers and their governments to rule well so we can be quietly about our business of living simply, in humble contemplation. This is the way our Savior God wants us to live.”     1 Timothy 2:1-3 The Message

Are you a bully?

I hope you aren’t. 

But if you are, man, just know that little eyes and ears (and big ones, too) are watching and hearing and learning from you more than you think.  They don’t care so much about WHAT you think as how you act when you are communicating about those things with others. 

They care about how you treat other people, even people you don’t know. Even people who are political candidates being ridiculed by “everybody”.

How do you treat others, especially those you vehemently disagree with?  You get to decide how you treat other people.  No one makes you act any kind of way – it’s all on you.

So, ARE you a bully?