How to be a BETTER LISTENER

I speak because I know my needs,
I speak with hesitation because I know not yours.
My words come from my life’s experiences
Your understanding comes from yours.
Because of this, what I say,
And what you hear, may not be the same.
So if you will listen carefully,
Not only with your ears,
But with your eyes and with your heart,
Maybe somehow we can communicate.

By Herbert G Lingren

In today’s Peripheral Wisdom post, I’ll share some useful tips on how to be a better listener. 

BUT I THINK I’M ALREADY A GOOD LISTENER!

Yay you!  That’s awesome!  Most of us think we are pretty good listeners.  I mean, we have ears, right?  Here’s something to consider:  Do those speaking to you think you are a good listener?  You may do a lot of listening, but here’s the catch – the person speaking must FEEL heard in order for you to actually BE a good listener. Ugh…

NOW HOLD ON! IT’S NOT MY FAULT IF THE SPEAKER DOESN’T THINK I’M LISTENING!

Actually, it is your fault (sorry).   Keep reading.

BUT I DISAGREE STRONGLY WITH WHAT THEY ARE SAYING! HOW CAN I JUST SIT THERE??

First of all, if you are a good listener, you won’t be “just sitting there”.  You’ll be actively engaged in the communication process.   We’ll talk about that in a sec.

It’s fine if you disagree with them. 

Agreeing with what they are saying is a totally different thing from listening, acknowledging, and understanding.  Listening to their views does not take anything away from your own view.

BUT WHAT THE SPEAKER IS SAYING ISN’T TRUE!  I NEED TO CORRECT THEM!

That can be so frustrating!  But it’s not the appropriate time for correction right now. It’s time for (all together!) LISTENING!

What they are saying might not be true.  But while you are listening, you are… LISTENING, not correcting.

And even though you believe that the other person has the story wrong, it is entirely possible that YOU could be the one who has it wrong. 

(No, really, you might.) 

If you can’t even CONSIDER the possibility that you could be wrong, then that’s a whole other issue to deal with.  People can feel very strongly about something and still be wrong. 

But, back to listening skills…

It takes a good measure of self-control to not speak when you really want to.  Self-control is a discipline that we all have to work on to develop. 

And remember: you’ll get your chance to talk when you are the SPEAKER.

Which is not now.

You have not been tasked with being the accuracy police at this time. 

REMINDER:  Your job is to listen and understand what they are communicating, and why they have arrived at that point of view.  Stop thinking about what you will say to “correct” their version of events…

SOMEBODY SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MY “FILTER”.  I’M PRETTY SURE I DON’T HAVE ONE.

Oh honey, you have a filter, I promise…

We all have “filters” through which we process input.  We also have filters that funnel our “output” (the things we say).  We’ll take a look at the “input” filters today.

When you and I have a conversation, I can’t control how well you communicate; I can only control how well I take in what you’re telling me.

I can choose to be aware of things that may distort the messages you’re sending me, and those things are called “filters”.

Every listener has filters. To be a good listener, you’ve got to understand your filters.

Filters influence you to decide things and make judgments ahead of time, before the person has even begun speaking.

You may have already decided that this person is a jerk, that he doesn’t like you, that his point is WRONG.

And the result:  No matter what he says to you, you’re going to distort it to conform to what you’ve already decided.

Don’t try to say that you don’t do this. If you are a human, you process through filters. You simply can’t set aside your baggage and past influences, no matter how hard you try.

Other ways we filter input: Maybe you’re coming into a given conversation with an agenda. Maybe you’re judging the speaker and don’t trust him at all. Maybe you’re angry about something else. Maybe you’ve been hurt by men in the past and this man-speaker seems a lot like those other guys were. Maybe you think you are never wrong.

Any one of these psychological filters can dramatically distort what you hear. 

Take an inventory of your filters. If you’re not aware of them, or if you ARE aware of them but don’t take them seriously, you can sabotage the efforts of the best communicator in the world because you’ll distort the message as you judge the speaker, regardless of how well it was sent, and not even know you’re doing it.

I HOPE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TELL ME I NEED TO USE “ACTIVE LISTENING”.

Yes, and if wishes were fishes…

WHAT??

How about if I say that you need to LISTEN ACTIVELY? Better?  

YES. MUCH BETTER, THANK YOU.

Either way, active listening is really the only way to insure that you truly hear what the other person is trying to communicate.  And it does involve some effort (that’s the “active” part).

So let’s define it. 

Active listening involves “Action” on the part of the one who is being spoken to (duh).    

“Active Listening” refers to a pattern of listening that keeps you (the listener) engaged with the speaker in a positive way.  An active listener attentively tracks what the speaker is saying, reflecting back to the speaker the message that was shared, and withholding judgment and advice.

UM, THAT’S HARD. Yes, yes it is…

Active listening requires the listener to fully concentrate, understand, respond to, and remember what has been said. 

Anyone who says they are “just” listening isn’t doing it right.

SO DOES “REFLECTIVE” LISTENING MEAN THAT I JUST REPEAT WHAT THE SPEAKER SAID?

Kind of.  A little.  OK, not exactly…

Reflective listening means that you summarize what the speaker has told you and “reflect” the message back to them.  When you look in a mirror, your reflection shines back at you, and “reflective listening” is a similar idea, but with words. 

It is an active way of making sure that you understood what was being said.

You may fully believe that you got the speaker’s message loud and clear, that you understand fully. 

However, the speaker has the option of telling you that what you’ve reflected back to them ISN’T what they said at all.  Because, remember, they have to FEEL heard and understood in order for you to have done your listening job well.  If that happens, don’t argue and try to tell them that that IS what they told you.  Say something like, “Oh wow, I thought I had it!  Can you help me understand where I got off track?  I really do want to understand.”

Reflect the content, but don’t just “parrot” what they said back to them, word for word.  That is incredibly disrespectful and annoying.  Most people who do this are just being jerks when they parrot. 

Don’t be a jerk.

You can also reflect back to them (express verbally) the nonverbal communication you may be picking up, especially if it contradicts their words. 

For example, if they tell you that they really aren’t feeling sad at all, but you hear sadness in their tone of voice or body language, then reflect that back to them:  “I know you’ve said you don’t feel sad right now, but I hear sadness in your voice and can see it in your eyes.  Am I misinterpreting that, or are you feeling more than you’ve let on?”

Again, if the person says you’ve misunderstood, accept that they don’t believe you’ve understood their message yet, and try again. 

Don’t tell them what/how they feel, even if you think they are in denial. Trying to convince them that you KNOW what’s REALLY going on will not help you reach your goal (To listen and understand the message the speaker is trying to communicate, in case you forgot.)

Remember, your job right now is to UNDERSTAND, not PROVE YOU’RE RIGHT

I’M SUPPOSED TO PAY ATTENTION TO BODY LANGUAGE…  I DIDN’T KNOW MY BODY HAD A LANGUAGE.

We all communicate with our bodies – how we hold ourselves, the tone of our voice, whether we look at someone or away from them.

BODY LANGUAGE is very important in active, attentive listening.

1. POSTURE/BODY PLACEMENT

• Mimic their body placement.  This puts the speaker at ease. If they are sitting, sit.  If they are standing, stand.  Do NOT stand if they are sitting – this communicates power and control (whether you want it to or not).
• Sit up straight (but not ridiculously so), and face them at a slight angle.
• Don’t cross your arms.  Crossed arms signals that you aren’t open to what they are saying.  It says that you already don’t like or accept them or their message.
• Sit a comfortable distance away from them, not too close, not too far. 

2. EYES/FACE

• We communicate so much with our eyes and the rest of our face!
• Make sure your expressions are encouraging and relaxed.  Don’t use your face to communicate dislike, disdain, disagreement, show anger or bitterness, or any of the other negative ways our faces can communicate. 
• And don’t  pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.  YOU KNOW.
• I shouldn’t have to say this, but don’t roll your eyes (or cross them), smirk, grimace while you shake your head and raise your eyebrows, or do any of the other things that you can do to communicate your negative opinion without saying a word.
• You all know what facial expressions are condescending and disrespectful.  If you don’t, there’s a TON of info on this on the interwebs. Read it, and don’t do those things.
• Make eye contact, but don’t stare at them.  Again, you should know what comfortable, encouraging eye contact means, and if you don’t, do some research.  There is nothing more disheartening and disrespectful than for a listener to not look at the speaker when they are speaking.  (soap box topic…)
• Try to smile, even if you don’t feel like it. A smile will help ease their tension, and will help you feel more cooperative. But don’t offer a fake, forced smile. Not helpful…
• Nodding your head (not continuously…) while they are speaking encourages them to continue and lets them know that you are paying attention and following the message.  Nodding your head doesn’t generally signal that you necessarily agree; just that you understand what is being said.

3. NON-VERBAL SOUNDS COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH

• The non-verbal sounds you make can also communicate your negative opinion of what the other person is saying.
• Sighing loudly in exasperation, pshaw’ing, making “cough**stupid**cough” type comments under your breath, making a growly sound and pretending it’s just “clearing your throat”… You get the picture.
• Just don’t.  You’re not 5 years old.

4. YOUR WORDS

• You get extra credit if you just said, “But wait!  I’m listening right now, not speaking!”  That is correct.  But there are appropriate things to say, even as the listener.
• When you are reflecting the message back to tbe speaker, for example, you are speaking, not just listening.
• Also, you can say an encouraging word now and again to let them know you are listening.  We do this all the time.  Things like, “yes”, “I see”, “that makes sense”, “go on”. 
• Be sure you don’t do the machine-gun “uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh” response that is not encouraging at all.
• If they are having an emotional moment, you can say encouraging things to help them get past it. For example, “Take your time”, or “Do you need some water?”, or “You’re doing great” are helpful and encouraging.

THAT’S ALL WELL AND FINE.  NOW HOW DO I BECOME A BETTER LISTENER IN REAL LIFE?

1. Make the decision to be an active listener.  Be intentional when you listen.
2. Review the finer points of Active Listening often and pay extra attention to the things you struggle with. 
3. Practice – first in low stress situations, then in “normal” conflict situations.  If you practice the skills when you’re not stressed, you’ll have a greater likelihood of actively listening when you are in a disagreement.  You can even make up silly conversations to practice the skill. Here’s an example:   SPEAKER:  “I feel so dizzy when I go all day without eating!  It’s a little disconcerting, but also feels a little bit like I’m on a ride at Disneyland!”  LISTENER:  “Haha!  It sounds like you sort of like being dizzy since it feels like being on an amusement park ride!”  SPEAKER:  “Yup, it does!  It’s sort of fun in a weird way.”  LISTENER:  “You don’t seem bothered by it, but I do hear your stomach growling.  Are you ready to eat something yet?”  Do you see how these people practiced active listening in a non-threatening situation so they could get the steps down? Try it!
4. Ask for feedback.  This isn’t always easy, but ask someone that you often disagree with to grade you on your listening skills.  You want some honest and helpful feedback, even if it hurts a little to hear.  If you only ask people that you always get along with how you’re doing, the feedback won’t be as useful.

We live in a world right now that wants to scream its opinions and not do much listening or understanding.  You can’t change the whole world, but you can change how you behave within it.

There is no doubt that skilled listening is vital to the health of our relationships, finding solutions to difficult problems, and learning how to respect and honor other people.  We ALL need practice and refinement in our listening skills. 

Thanks for reading this post! 

I hope you found some useful Peripheral Wisdom here.  Next time I’ll give you some tips for speaking so that your message is heard (and understood).

BONUS: ACTIVE LISTENING EXAMPLE

Topic being discussed: Person 1 (speaker) is upset because Person 2 (listener) doesn’t load the dishwasher “right”. They have had this argument a million times before (so they say), and nothing ever changes.

Setting: Person 1 and Person 2 are sitting in the kitchen at the table, in front of the open dishwasher door. Person 2 sits a comfortable distance from Person 1, across the table, with a relaxed yet attentive posture. Person 2 looks at Person 1 and asks why they are so upset. Person 2 has a listening posture and attitude.

Person 1: I am so stinking frustrated to open up the clean dishwasher — AGAIN — and find it only half full! And everything is just randomly thrown in there! It is incredibly wasteful to not load it up fully and efficiently before running the dishwasher. Good Lord, are you really that stupid?? This is so obvious, even a rock could understand! I think you’ve done this every single day this week!

What Person 2 is thinking: Person 1’s way is not “better”. My way works fine. I am not stupid! Person 1 is stupid. I have NOT done it every day this week! Exaggerate much?? I wonder when the game is on? And what’s for dinner? I probably shouldn’t ask Person 1 right now though…

Person 2’s corrected thinking: Oh crap! I’m supposed to listen and understand, not pass judgment, not let my mind wander, and not try to correct Person 1… I hope I didn’t say any of that out loud… Get a grip…

Person 2: Wow, you are really upset! It sounds like you get upset with the way I load the dishwasher and think I should do it differently, like, with more dishes in it before I run it. We sure do wash the dishes differently! You feel that I pretty much do this all the time and are frustrated that I don’t change my way of loading the dishwasher, right?

Person 1: That’s exactly right!

(OK, the argument obviously doesn’t end here, but for today’s LISTENING SKILLS example, we’ve served our purpose. Person 1 obviously needs to clean up their communication act and fix some stuff in the way s/he speaks to Person 2, but we haven’t covered that yet. We’ll discuss how to EXPRESS YOURSELF BETTER next time!)