Milestone Moments

Prom.

Graduation:  High School.  College.  Kindergarten.

1^st “real” job.

Weddings.

Engagements.

First House.

Empty Nesting.

New Babies.

The Milestone Months of May and June are filled with important life event Moments in the lives of our kids.  These events are enormously important in a family, because when one family member reaches a milestone, the rest of the family is impacted as well.

Milestones bring change. 

Humans don’t always deal well with change, whether it is good change or unwanted change.  And milestones in particular can be both awesome and anxiety-provoking. They make us very aware of the passing of time.  Of our mortality.  Of not being needed anymore.  Of loss of control. Of loss in general.

If we’ve done our job right as parents, our kids will reach these milestones and head on to the next phase of life, full of giddy possibilities and a belief in their ability to be successful. 

Hopefully, we’ve taught them that perfection isn’t the goal, and that learning from mistakes is all part of the process.  They, hopefully, know that no matter what, we are in their corner and are here as cheerleaders, advisors, and the one place they will always be welcome when times get tough.

Parents feel many things when our kids hit these milestones – pride, joy, excitement, happiness.  But we also may feel some not-so-awesome emotions like frustration, being overwhelmed, sadness, and loss. We feel sort of unneeded and insignificant now, especially if you were a stay at home parent all those years.

We each have some choices to make when our kids hit these milestones.

We get to decide what we do with the emotions – both positive and negative – that we feel, and what actions and attitudes we will embrace as we deal with these Milestone Moments and the tension that accompanies them.

Will we love and encourage our kids as they take that next step?  Or will we find fault with every decision and venture they try simply because we would have done it differently?

Will we give them wings to fly and a place to fall as they tentatively, and perhaps blindly, jump off this next bridge? Or will we ridicule their efforts and make them afraid to try anything at all?

Will we say hurtful words that make them doubt their ability to be successful, and even doubt our love, or fill them with words that build confidence and courage to face life and the next challenge?

You get to choose, you know.

Even though these kids-in-adult-bodies seem confident and independent and ready to move out of our house and get out from under our control, they still really do need us.

They are uncertain.  Scared.  Confidently terrified.  Afraid of letting us down, of not having our approval.  Of not being loved.  These young adult kids of ours absolutely need our unconditional love and encouragement.  They need our Blessing, our Validation of their worth as humans.

They need these things from us all the time.

But especially during these Milestone Moments.

Do you remember hitting these milestones yourself? 

When you graduated? 

Got engaged? 

Got married? 

Had a baby? 

Accepted that first “real” job? 

Moved out of your parents’ house?

Do you remember what you needed from your parents during this time, emotionally?  Did you get what you needed from them?

If you did, count yourself very blessed.  Many people did not get what they needed during their Milestone Moments.  When our own parents are unable to give us what we so deeply need during our formative years, we will generally spend the rest of our lives searching for the love and acceptance that we did not receive as children.  It’s a deep ache, a deep hole that we long to fill, and we aren’t even aware that that’s what we are doing. 

That deep ache can lead to some really poor choices as life goes on.

And if we are not careful, we parents will deprive our own kids of the same critical ingredients during their developing years, because we aren’t sure how to give what we never received.

And we may, in turn, crush our kids’ own Milestone Moments. 

The good news is that you get to choose how all of this goes down between your kids and you. 

Is that a lot of pressure on us parents?  You bet it is. 

But remember that we are the adults here. 

The supposedly mature ones.

Our kids will learn from US how to get along in a family, how to work things out, how to love when it’s hard.

If you have raised a child to young adulthood, you’ve probably noticed that they have minds of their own.  That they don’t necessarily think the same way you do, or do things the way you would, or have the same priorities that you do.

We won’t agree with every choice our kids make. 

Why would we?  They aren’t us. 

But… 

In spite of our divergent ways of thinking, they need us to model for them how to love unconditionally.

How to validate when we don’t agree.

How choose the right moment to offer advice – not every moment is the “right” one.

How to not let our overwhelming emotions drive our words and actions.

How to deal with failure and conflict and uncertainty. 

How to disagree with people we love and work through it without throwing  fits or making it all about us or demeaning them for making what we consider a poor choice.   

We need to show them how to treat other people with love, even when we disagree with them.

But the problem is, many parents end up acting more immature and self-centered than their young adult children.   

If this is you, please, just STOP IT. 

Stop making your kid’s Milestone Moments about you.  Stop finding fault with every little thing they do.  Stop modeling poor behavior, and start acting out of love.  It doesn’t matter if you feel like it or not.  You are the parent, the mature one.

Here are some things that I believe our kids desperately need from us, especially during Milestone Moments. 

1. LOVE – unconditional love that they don’t have to question
2. ENCOURAGEMENT – ESPECIALLY if they are struggling.  When they fail at some task – even if they have failed at this before – find a way to encourage them.   Instead of berating them, find a way to encourage them to not give up, to look for other solutions that they may not have considered yet.  You don’t have to agree with someone to encourage them and help build them up.  It is our job to instill confidence in our kids so that they can do the hard things.  “EN-COURAGE” meant to fill with courage.
3. RESPECT – There’s a ton of tension between parents and their maturing young adults.  We need to show them the same degree of respect that we demand from them.  We need to listen to their thoughts, opinions, and views without ridicule and without character assassination.  Try your best to understand WHY they arrived at the decision they have chosen.  It still may not make any sense to you.  But try to understand from their perspective and honor the fact that it makes sense to them.  Remember that they are still learning how to make wise decisions and won’t always get it right. Seek to understand them! Only then can you help them figure things out.  If we don’t show them respect, they will learn that it’s acceptable to treat others disrespectfully.
4. ADVICE – They still do need our advice, even if they are sure that they do not.  BUT, we need to offer our advice in a way that they will hear.  Offer your advice in a respectful way, AT THE RIGHT TIME – but know that they may or may not agree and may or may not take that advice.   An attitude of “Would you like to hear what I would do in this situation, and why I’d do that?” goes a lot further than “You’re just being stupid!  Here’s what you should do!” A phrase I use with my adult kids is, “I know you already know this (whatever the subject is), but I’m your mom, so I have to say it anyway!” An attitude of letting them know that I don’t doubt their abilities, but that my Mom-ness requires that I put my two cents in anyway, adds some humor, and reduces the tension and stress of wanting to be sure they’ve thought about the things I’m concerned about.
5. OUR MATURITY – Parents, I know it’s hard.  I know you have to bite your tongue sometimes when you want to say something mean to your kids.  So do it – BITE YOUR TONGUE!  They do not need to hear your venom.  They need you to be mature, even when you don’t feel like it.  If something they plan to do may present a problem, instead of throwing a fit and berating them, say something like, “Uh oh – that might conflict with this other thing we’ve got on the calendar.  We’ll need to sit down and take a look at it.  How much flexibility do you have in what you’d like to do?” Do you see how that is respectful, yet communicates concern and a need to discuss things more?
6. HONESTY – Let them know you are new at being the parent of a young adult and you aren’t quite sure how to do that yet.  Let them see you work through the uncertainty  of this new stage as a parent.  They will respect you for being honest and will most likely empathize and be more willing to be transparent with you as well.  When our adult daughters moved back to the area – one married with a child and one a college student – I had to learn how to  do things that would foster a good relationship with LOCAL adult kids . I knew how to be a mom to adult kids who didn’t live nearby, but I wasn’t very good at knowing how to do that up close. The behaviors and habits that I needed to exhibit are not things that come naturally to me.  I had to purposefully act in ways that I knew would be good for my kids and our relationship, and I had to get over my own selfish tendencies to NOT do those things! I’m still working on it.   I learned to share with them when I felt I wasn’t doing a good job, and ask them what they needed from me that they weren’t getting. I had to get over myself and just be honest with them and admit that I didn’t have all the answers and that I felt unsure sometimes too.

Choose to see the awesomeness of Milestone Moments! 

Other things to remember:

• This is your KID’S milestone moment, not yours.  You had yours (graduation, engagement, whatever) and now it’s their turn.
• Let it be about them.  Don’t live vicariously through their important moments.
• Don’t play favorites with your kids.  Just don’t. 
• Choose to be joyful.  It really is a choice.
• LOVE them.
• Be proud of them!  Don’t compare their accomplishments to the accomplishments of others.
• Remember that time passes so quickly, and you/they won’t have this moment again. 
• Choose wisely the hills you decide to die on.  Not everything is worth getting upset about.  Pretty much anything can be worked out.
• Assume that your child has good intentions and wants to do the right thing.  They almost always do.   They are doing the best they can for the age and stage that they are presently living.
• Apologize when you’ve acted poorly.
• It’s never too late to improve your relationship.  Even if you’ve screwed up royally in the past, start NOW to make it better. 

My parents were an awesome example of how to guide their kids while still letting us make our own decisions and deal with consequences.  They were there to help and advise us as needed.  But they also purposely stood back and let us make our own decisions, have our own milestone moments.  They mostly only gave an opinion about something if we asked them.  I know NOW how difficult that must have been for them at times.

My mother was unfailingly supportive, even as I moved across country after getting married, when she wanted nothing more than for me NOT to do that.  I was her youngest child, and we were very close (she passed away in 2000).  But, she knew that it was my life, that I was starting my own family, and she was going to be loving and supportive no matter what.  And she was.  And I appreciate it so very much.  Her attitude and actions communicated trust and love and respect to me.  And I in turn gave those things right back to her and my dad. 

And, hopefully, to the best of my ability, I am now giving those things to my own children. 

My mom let me see how hard it was for her to “let me go”, but that she did it because she loved me, believed in me, and it was the right thing to do. 

Our kids learn the deepest lessons by what they SEE us do not what they HEAR us say.

So, if you are one of the fortunate families who is celebrating a Milestone Moment or two with your adult children, know that I see you.  I know how difficult AND wonderful it is.  And I know that if you choose to be intentional with your attitude, words, and actions, you AND your child will be able to use this moment as a positive stepping stone to the rest of your lives together. 

As I wrap up this Peripheral Wisdom post, I’d like to share a few Bible verses that are especially helpful for Milestone Moments.

Philippians 4:8 ” …whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. “

1 Corinthians 13:4-8  “4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  8 Love never fails.

1 Peter 4:8  ’“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”

Ephesians 4:29  “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

Romans 12:18  “…as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Philippians 4:13  “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength..”