Edited in May 2021 to add:
I’ve lost both a mother (over 20 years ago now) and a pregnancy (my first pregnancy).
Painful moments that create a deep ache and hole in my heart.
I’ve also known the joy of giving birth to 2 wonderful daughters, both of whom are now grown women with lives of their own.
And we have also welcomed a delightful grandboy to the clan.
As we focus on Mother’s Day, I am reminded that many of us have a confusing mix of emotions…
Let’s leave space for ALL the experiences on Mother’s Day – both sadness AND joy.
Original post from 2016:
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve found it increasingly uncomfortable over the past few years to admit that I enjoy Mother’s Day. Just to be clear: I DO enjoy Mother’s Day – as I think about my own Mother, who has been gone for almost 16 years now, and also about being a mother to my own two daughters.
But being able to ADMIT that I enjoy Mother’s Day is what has become an uncomfortable challenge.
Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive, or maybe it is just my perspective, but it has come to feel just a little bit shameful to celebrate Mothers’ Day in light of all those whose mothers have passed on, or those who have lost children (both pre-birth and post-birth), or those who have chosen not to become mothers, or those who have been unable to conceive, or those who had abusive mothers.
It feels as if we must tiptoe around the joy involved in Mother’s Day out of deference to those who have suffered painful losses or experiences with regard to having or being mothers.
When I think of Mother’s Day, I focus on celebrating my mother, not me as a mother. Even though I have 2 wonderful daughters who are obviously part of the joy of my Mother’s Day, my focus is on remembering and celebrating my mother, and my role as her daughter. Even though she is no longer with us on this earth, I can still fondly remember her, and be thankful for her, and think about her role as my mother.
I absolutely grieve with those who have lost children, whether they were adult children, grade schoolers, infants, or still-born angels. Several people close to me have suffered those types of losses, and their pain and grief and longing are immeasurable.
That type of loss changes you; it is not something you simply “get over”.
I have friends who have chosen not to have children, and other friends who would dearly love to have children, but who have not yet been successful in conceiving or carrying a baby to term. I have friends and clients whose mothers were anything but kind and loving. It is hard for them to celebrate their mothers because there is much pain attached. And I know many, like me, whose mothers have passed from this world. We miss them terribly, wish they were here to ask them important questions, share our joys and our lives with them, and know them as adults, now.
Anyone who lives long enough will suffer enormous, gut wrenching loss related to the idea of “mother”, in some form or fashion.
I’ll admit that I am jealous of those my age who still have their mothers.
BUT – But, it is not my right to steal the joy of Mothers Day away from those whose mothers are still very much alive, simply because mine is not.
AND – even if you have lost a mother, lost a child, been unable to conceive, been unable to carry a child to term, had a bad relationship with an abusive mother, or had any other painful experience related to motherhood – EVEN IF that is true – we can still celebrate Mothers’ Day, and honor mothers.
AND – even if you have lost a mother, lost a child, been unable to conceive, been unable to carry a child to term, had a bad relationship with an abusive mother, or had any other painful experience related to motherhood – EVEN IF that is true – we can still celebrate Mothers’ Day, and honor mothers.
We can and should take joy in being mothers and having mothers. And every single one of us, even those who are estranged from their mothers, have HAD a mother.
Mothers’ Day is all about honoring not just your own personal experience with mothers and motherhood. It’s about honoring mothers and motherhood in general. “It takes a village” to raise a child – and mothers are an integral part of that village.
At least that’s how I have always viewed it.
This year, while I hurt with and for those who have lost their mothers or lost their children, and while thinking about my own mother brings both joy and painful loss, I have decided to honor my mother and my role and the concept and goodness of motherhood anyway.
In spite of pain.
In spite of lack of perfection.
In spite of sadness as well as joy.
Both pain and joy can and must live in the same picture, because that’s how life is. They both teach and enrich.
I am sorry that some of you struggle and hurt on Mothers’ Day. I sincerely wish I could listen to each of your stories and offer comfort and understanding.
At the risk of hurting some folks’ feelings, I would like to wish all of you who are mothers a Happy Mothers Day. I will have to wish my mother a Happy Mothers Day in my memories and in my heart, but you can bet I will do that. Maybe look at some old photos and shed a few tears. Look through the mementos I have of her. Perhaps I’ll wear her wedding ring to church tomorrow. But I will remember and honor her, especially on that day set aside for just that.
And I’d like to say “thank you” to my daughters for being my amazing children.
My love to all of you.
Remember to be kind to each other, whether you are filled with joy or with sadness on Mother’s Day.
Peripheral Wisdom 