Don’t Take Your “Siblingization” for Granted

It usually only happens at graduations, weddings, or funerals.

Family members from far and near who haven’t seen each other in way too long get together and remember how much they miss each other.  They comment about how much the kids have grown and how they didn’t realize so-and-so is already retired.  How great Aunt Ethel looks and it’s too bad about Grandpa’s sister-in-law.

They also may, after a few days or a few minutes, remember how much they dislike each other – that feeling creeps up a lot too, I’m afraid, in many families.

Today I’m going to be writing particularly to those of you who have siblings – brothers and/or sisters.  No matter whether you were born into a family or adopted into one, I want to remind you of how incredibly special you are to each other, and how we need to stop letting our differences and resentments get in the way of what can and should be a wonderful relationship – your siblingiztion.

As I was saying, family from all over will gather together for weddings, funerals, graduations, and the like.  People you haven’t seen in ages have come from all over to be in the same place at the same time.  It can be a volatile mix of personalities, but mostly, it’s pretty cool.

So there you all are.  And in the middle of processing your joy or your grief at whatever event has brought you all together again, family members soak up the reunion and tell each other “we need to do this more often”.

And they mean it.  We really do WANT to spend more time together.

But as the saying goes, days pass slowly and years fly by.  Urgent things overtake important things, and getting together never seems to make it to the top of the list of things to do next.

And then the next wedding or funeral or graduation comes around and we get together and repeat those same words “we need to do this more often!”  Wishing with all our hearts that we WOULD, that somehow we’d all make it a point to do that, but knowing that we probably won’t.

“Somebody” needs to organize that, right?  Yes, somebody does.

You have to stop wishing it would happen, and do something to make it happen.   Make the time, spend the money, put up with differences of opinion, forgive, ask for forgiveness, put your ego aside, and JUST DO IT.

You only have one family.  You can pretend others are family, but they are not.  You can think of your best friends as family, but they still aren’t related to you.  Only your family of origin is.

You and your siblings share parents, a history, memories, traditions.  Pain, tragedy, crisis.  You and your siblings are linked together in ways that no one else will be linked to you, whether you acknowledge it or not, whether you like it or not.

One day you will wake up and nobody is a kid anymore.  Your parents have passed.  And the “kids”  flounder awhile trying to figure out how to “do” getting together when no one is organizing those occasions for you now.  It doesn’t just happen as if by magic like it seemed to when your parents’ home was the focal point of family get-togethers.  When your mom said, “Everybody come on over for Thanksgiving,” and you all did.

You woke up one day and realized the landscape had changed.

On another day, you’ll wake up and look around and realize that you and your siblings are older.  It seems like it happens all of a sudden, but we know it doesn’t work that way.  Years passed while we were busy getting older.

You become aware – really aware – that there may not be all that many more weddings, funerals, and graduations to count on for reasons to get-together, until one of those funerals will be for one of you.

As much as we like to pretend it’s not true, we only have so much time.

And you’ll feel regret.  You’ll say “why didn’t we…”

We all make time for the things that are important to us.  I’d like to suggest that strengthening family ties, especially those ties with your siblings, is worth the investment.   Don’t worry about whose “job” it is to make it happen.  Take the responsibility yourself.  You are all adults now; you are ALL responsible for keeping the relationships alive.

Don’t make assumptions about what the others think or want or feel.  Ask them.  Use words.  TALK about it with each other.

Are there old wounds, resentments, and jealousies between you and your siblings?  If you and your siblings don’t get along well, maybe don’t even speak to each other anymore, do something about it.  Do what YOU can to make it right, so that you can enjoy the gift of family, and cherish every moment that you get to spend together before the opportunities have passed.

Because the opportunities WILL pass

And I understand that even with the best of intentions and the most proactive and loving attitude, sometimes you just can’t make the others cooperate.  I get that.  You’ve tried.

What I’m asking you to do is try again.

And take a close look at yourself, your attitude, your old grudges that you won’t let go of.  Most of the time we play a big role in the problem, while our fingers are pointed at someone else.

“a family splintered by feuding will fall apart.”   Mark 3:25 NLT

Families aren’t perfect, but they are special.  And they are yours.  And there is a reason you are in THAT FAMILY, no matter what you’ve gone through or been subjected to with and by those people.

This topic is on my mind, because I just returned from a wonderful long weekend with my 4 siblings.  They all live in a different state than I do (or I guess I should say I live in a different state then they do), and it isn’t all that often that we get together, all 5 of us.  But when we do, it’s like magic.  Like my birthday and Christmas all at the same time.

Each time I see them, I remember how special these people are, and how much I miss them.  I look at each one of them, and am amazed at how different and yet how alike we are.  At how much I like each one of them, and wish I had been born 1st instead of last so that I could have known them when they were little kids.

We are blessed to be able to visit each other as often as we do.  And now, as we’re getting older, I am even more aware of how important it is to make the time to see each other.

Because the balance of time has shifted for us, as it does for everyone.

One day, there will be fewer than 5 of us who gather, because someone will have passed on.  I hate that.  I like living in my little world where everyone just is always there and we never lose each other.  We may get old and wrinkly and we can’t hear or see so well anymore.  But we’re all still THERE.

In my make-believe, perfect world that doesn’t really exist.

I watched my father’s sisters get older (my mother was an only child, my dad had 5 sisters), and one by one, they passed.  That was something THAT GENERATION had to deal with  – brothers and sisters aging, dying.  Those people – my mom, my dad, his sisters – stood between me and my own death (if life played out as it tends to).  I didn’t need to think about that happening to US.

But now there is no longer a buffer generation between me and my mortality.  My siblings and I are the buffer now, for the next generation.

People don’t like to talk about such things, I’ve noticed.  But it is reality, and it is not morbid.  If you turn your head just right, you can see this realization as a blessing.  Knowing that you most likely have fewer years left than years you have already lived makes you think about what’s important, about how you want to use the rest of the time you have.  This realization provides the urgency needed to get us moving towards each other again, whittling at our priorities so that we MAKE the time for important matters.

And stop waiting for “later”.

It’s already “later”.

If you have relatives with whom you stay in contact on a regular basis, perhaps who live close by, you are blessed.  Keep doing it.  Try not to take that for granted.

But if you, like me, don’t live near them, make the effort to stay in touch.  Work through issues you have that get in the way of healthy relationships.

I realize you can’t, all by yourself, create family unity. Sometimes things have happened that mean it’s not emotionally, physically, or spiritually safe to be around your family.

But often we are just too afraid or embarrassed or proud to extend the olive branch and move in that direction.

Live far away from each other and can’t afford to travel and be together?  Try calling or Skyping.  Share pictures and news on Facebook.  Do SOMETHING.  Something is always more than nothing.

Start where you are and do what you can with what you have.

And see what happens.

There will come a day when you won’t have that option anymore.

Have you been stubbornly hanging onto resentments and jealousies over the years that have kept you and your brothers and sisters at arm’s length?  Is so, I have some heartfelt advice for you – get over yourself and make peace with  these precious people already!

Is that harsh?  Perhaps.

But I know that quite often, people are stubborn and selfish and childish and often will refuse to let go of old hurts and grudges.  What good does it do you to hold a grudge?  To insist that the OTHER person apologize or grovel or whatever it is you are waiting for?  It does no good at all, not for you, not for anyone.

I think my brothers and sisters are the best siblings in the world.  And I’m not prejudiced at all!  We’ve been through a lot together and apart, have had years where we were close and years where we weren’t.  The age difference spans as much as 16 years between us.  Our lives are all quite different.

But in the end, when it comes right down to it, we’ve found that we can count on each other, confide in each other, pull each other up when we are down, trust each other, help each other, have fun together, figure stuff out together, love each other, and even LIKE each other.

When the chips are down for us as a family or individually, we are THERE.

All stinking 5 of us.

I’m not just “lucky”.  We didn’t just fall into this place where we all get along and like spending time together.

We are at this place because over the years we’ve each make choices that have moved us towards each other.  As we’ve gotten older it’s become more of a priority.  We’ve chosen to learn to deal with the personality differences and differences in opinion, education, religion, politics, and even team loyalty (we have a mixture of Aggies and Longhorns in the family, a mixed breed we are).

We each made a decision and a choice.  To love each other in spite of and because of our differences and similarities.  We chose.

You get to choose, too.

We decided to get over ourselves, each one in our own time and our own way, and enjoy this thing that we were given in our relationship with each other.

Our siblingization.

Think your family will NEVER get along?

Well, you may be right.  But just for grins, step back and take a look at what you are contributing to the dysfunction.  Then work on that. Work on YOUR attitude, YOUR listening skills, YOUR ability to deal with strong differences of opinion, YOUR grudges, YOUR unrealistic expectations, YOUR crappy attitude.  You can’t change anyone but yourself.

“But those who won’t care for their relatives, especially those in their own household, have denied the true faith. Such people are worse than unbelievers.”    1 Timothy 5:8 NLT

You are in your specific family on purpose.  Maybe you’ll never know exactly what the purpose is, but I guarantee there is one.  Not all families will have the ability to get along, I get that.  But so often, our own stubbornness and laziness prevent us from reaping the deep, heart benefits of the family we have right in front of us.

The family you were given.

One day you’ll wake up and there will be fewer of you.  Too late.  Chance missed.  Regrets deep.  Wisdom gained, too late.

Your siblingization is a gift, if you’ll let it be.

And it’s already “later”, so get after it.

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.  It does not demand its own way.  It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”       1 Corinthians 13:4-7