I’m taking a break from the “When God Feels Distant” series today because I feel a pressing need to talk about something else.
This week, I found myself feeling very frustrated and inadequate.
Also angry, and I rarely feel angry during counseling.
The thing that blindsided me – and shouldn’t have – the thing that stopped me in my tracks and made me uncertain of how to proceed was an attitude older than time itself. An attitude that will shut down any progress made on the surface in any relationship anytime, anywhere.
An attitude that I was guilty of having, especially in my younger days.
Maybe that’s why it angered and frustrated me so much; because I saw my old self there.
The attitude? Selfishness taken to the extreme, ending up in hateful rage.
Unending expectations of one person for the other, and when those expectations are not met, the “offended” person decides the other one is worthless.
The “problem” that had been brought to me months before had been dealt with. Things were going well in that arena.
But what was becoming evident over time was that Person B routinely exhibited harmful attitudes and actions that were just as destructive as those of Person A. As time went on, we spent more and more session time focusing on Person B’s harmful attitude towards Person A. You may have guessed that Persons A and B are married to each other.
You may have also guessed that Person B did not appreciate the new focus of our time together.
Things came to a head one day, when both were in my office, and it was revealed that Person A did not meet a particular standard that Person B had expected. It was a simple thing – Person A probably should have done this thing. If that had been the extent of the issue, we could have talked about self-motivation and such. But a much more dangerous problem revealed itself in Person B’s reaction . Person B looked right at Person A, and with anger, bitterness, and resentment told Person A that they were a total failure. I thought I might have misunderstood, or that Person B was just caught up in the moment. So I asked this person to repeat what had been said. Same response, but more ammunition was added to Person B’s judgment of Person A. Even if all of what Person B said was accurate (minus the character judgment), their reaction was absolutely inappropriate.
And yes, I was stunned. These two profess to be believers, Christians.
Folks, if one person in a marriage decides to take on the role of Marriage Cop, the marriage will not be a happy one. If there is a double standard – “you need to fix YOUR imperfections, but you just need to accept MINE” – the marriage will not be all God designed it to be.
“The LORD despises double standards of every kind.” Proverbs 20:10
Loving your spouse unconditionally does NOT mean you give up on helping them overcome their problems. It doesn’t mean you have to “settle”. It means you realize you are on the same team, both as spouses and as Christians, and you HELP motivate them towards godly change. You don’t tear them down in hopes that this will be motivating for them. You don’t set up a minefield of silently set-up tests, and then shoot them when they “fail”. You don’t slam them into change.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
Tell me, does it ever work to tell someone they are an idiot if you want to see different behavior from them? I have never seen anyone, after being humiliated, say , “You’re right. I’m just an idiot and I’ll do what you want.” No. They get defensive and angry and resentful. Self-esteem that was already heart-breakingly low is smashed down further.
They may do what you want, but most likely it’s just to get you to shut up.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29
If someone points out your – sometimes extreme – issues to you, and your response is “well, that’s just the way I am”, while at the same time you point out another’s flaws and expect them to automatically agree with you and make the change you want – do you not see the hypocrisy there?? The double standard? The fact that this DOESN’T WORK?
The fact that it’s awfully mean?
“…as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18
The problem is not the problem. What clients come to see me about is usually a surface issue sitting on top of a variety of underlying problems. You gotta start with the problem that is visible, but there will almost always be a deeper issue that needs the most attention. The surface problem is a symptom of the real problem. And the real problem – in a marriage, a work situation, a church situation, whatever – will almost always need to be addressed by more than just the “broken” person who has been brought to me for fixing.
And just to be clear: I don’t “fix” people. I work with people to help them see what might need changing in their lives, and why, and help them decide if they want to work towards that. Then we get to work on our goals. The hard part is getting people to decide that they want to change in the first place.
As far as this particular situation in my example, I need to do some work with Persons A and B on unconditional love. I need to help them peel back the surface layers and find out what is prompting the bad behaviors that only now are becoming so clear.
They – and we all – need to be reminded of how important it is to offer the same grace to others – especially those we profess to love – that Jesus offers us EVERY SINGLE DAY of our imperfect lives. And that offering that grace and unconditional love is part of the same picture as the one where we work on real issues, together, on the same team. Not because we want them to change so that they won’t drive us crazy anymore, but because we LOVE them deeply, from the heart.
What will it take to accomplish this task? It takes TRUTH and HONESTY with yourself and with the other person. It takes setting aside your STUBBORNNESS and PRIDE. It takes what I remind myself pretty often: “Just get over yourself”.
Because to work on the real problem, you have to be willing to honestly face it.
I hate the person I used to be who often responded in this kind of unkind, judgmental, black and white way. I thank God every day for helping me commit to changing myself so that I did not hurt the very ones I said I loved the most. And I pray that God will help me find a way to help other people figure this out much earlier than I did.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” Galatians 6:9-19
Peripheral Wisdom 